The Onion

Ducks Go Quack, Chickens Say Cluck - Onion Talks - Ep. 3

Title: Ducks Go Quack, Chickens Say Cluck - Onion Talks - Ep. 3
Runtime: 2:59
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The duck says quack, while some animals on the farm take quite a different approach. Award-winning animal behaviorist Peter Garcia discusses these contrasting philosophies, and how we can reconcile them for a brighter future.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths

Title: PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths
Runtime: 0:07
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Full Report Here: http://onion.com/Ue84Y1
New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day.

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Title: Groupon - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:57
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A Groupon deal brings a glut of new dredgers to the table. A deformed, polycephalic gull corpse may have value in certain circles.

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Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

Title: Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked
Runtime: 2:13
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must the president look at people" could tell us about Mitt Romney.

For More War For The White House: http://onion.com/RnKrwY
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Burrito à la Jim -- Porkin' Across America -- Ep. 3

Title: Burrito à la Jim -- Porkin' Across America -- Ep. 3
Runtime: 6:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: It's a Kitchen Takeover as Jim makes his own carnitas burrito at La Playita in Wilmington, North Carolina. The newly single pork man has a lot on his plate, and we're not just talking about pork! He's also frantically looking for someone to move his car before the parking structure it's parked in is blown up almost a thousand miles away. And Jim gets more than he bargains for when he finally samples his handiwork.

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Loudness Equals Power - Onion Talks - Ep. 2

Title: Loudness Equals Power - Onion Talks - Ep. 2
Runtime: 3:39
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Every day we interact with thousands of incredibly loud people, but Barry Buchwalter doesn't think we should limit ourselves to current volumes. With his innovative new device, anyone can be as loud as anyone, and then they can be even louder.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Judge Dredge Courts Denise - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Judge Dredge Courts Denise - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:42
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Santonio seduces a dredger with his flashy appraisal style.

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Title: The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn
Runtime: 1:56
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With more than 1,500 entries spanning all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

ORDER NOW:
IndieBound: http://bit.ly/QCfeWS
Amazon: http://amzn.to/QCfdCf
Barnes & Noble: http://bit.ly/QCfjKc

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Title: The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge
Runtime: 0:16
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one's self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or "pail." With more than 1,500 entries spanning all 27 letters of the alphabet, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

ORDER NOW:
IndieBound: http://bit.ly/QCfeWS
Amazon: http://amzn.to/QCfdCf
Barnes & Noble: http://bit.ly/QCfjKc

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Qan You Dig It? - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 2

Title: Qan You Dig It? - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 2
Runtime: 6:36
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The pork man heads to Indianapolis foodie mecca The Benson to sample pork delicacies, but not before he gets a shocking call from the kennel where his wife Deb impounded Jim's aggressive dog Nathan. Later, whole restaurant cheers Jim on to eat a delicious pork belly but there's one face in the crowd with some special news for Jim.
Watch Episode 1 of Porkin' Across America: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwQns6vGfj4
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Compost-Fueled Cars: Wouldn't That Be Great? - Onion Talks - Ep. 1

Title: Compost-Fueled Cars: Wouldn't That Be Great? - Onion Talks - Ep. 1
Runtime: 3:32
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Young media professional Cameron Hughes delivers a compelling argument for his vision of the future--one filled with cars powered by compost. He outlines the idea he came up with in detail, leaving the formalities for other visionaries in other fields. One thing is for certain: he already came up with the idea.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Title: Judge Dredge - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 3:31
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Santonio pinch-hosts for his brother while Kim recovers from an appraising-related injury. Santonio teaches Virgil about the worth of dredged computers.

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How To Suck Your Drain Clean With Your Mouth - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: How To Suck Your Drain Clean With Your Mouth - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Your greatest plumbing tool is not staring you right in the face, because it's right on your face! Pucker up for this episode of Trouble Hacking where I'm showing you how to clear that clogged drain.

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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

Title: Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans
Runtime: 2:17
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.
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Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machine

Title: Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machine
Runtime: 3:06
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: MIAMI—Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to experiment with new 600-lever voting machines.

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Title: The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney
Runtime: 4:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right choice, we present The Onion's guide to GOP candidate Mitt Romney.
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Thousands Of Americans Trapped In "Animal Hoarders" Marathon

Title: Thousands Of Americans Trapped In "Animal Hoarders" Marathon
Runtime: 1:17
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Tens of thousands of Americans have found themselves tragically unable to tear themselves away from televisions showing a man who owns 30 chihuahuas. (Aired 11/25/11)

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Jim Haggerty Porks The USA! -- Porkin' Across America -- Ep. 1

Title: Jim Haggerty Porks The USA! -- Porkin' Across America -- Ep. 1
Runtime: 6:27
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Today Now! host Jim Haggerty is starting his cross country pork-eating tour in the great state of Kentucky. Jim's in the kitchen of the Country Smokestack learning all the secrets into what goes into good pork-- that is, if his wife stops callings him about massive amounts of water pouring from a pipe in their condo!
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Title: Onion Talks - Preview
Runtime: 0:31
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Presenting Onion Talks: the most important ideas from greatest thinkers on the planet. No mind will be left unchanged.

COMING WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17TH

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Title: Splintered Wood - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:28
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kim explores an old, splintered wooden plank. Kim and Cranst butt heads over the quality of this dredged item.

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How To Know What Words Mean - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: How To Know What Words Mean - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:17
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Has every word you've ever spoken been nothing more than a random and meaningless label attached to an object, the true essence of which you will never hope to capture? Not to worry--I've got plenty of tips on how to assign meanings to words and get the most out of symoblic language.

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Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym

Title: Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym
Runtime: 1:50
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to put on an embarrassing acrobatic spectacle for the entire gym.

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Romney Still In Hot Water After Reading GOP Platform Verbatim

Title: Romney Still In Hot Water After Reading GOP Platform Verbatim
Runtime: 2:32
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The GOP is secretly relieved they can get started on 2016, a newborn loses all faith in humanity after a record six days, and a munchtrosity is created in the Frito Layboratory. It's the week of September 20, 2012.

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Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years

Title: Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years
Runtime: 1:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Shelby Cross warns viewers to protect themselves by becoming a completely different person every few years. (Aired 11/18/11)

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Title: The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama
Runtime: 4:23
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

Watch The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney Here: http://onion.com/T6eqI3
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Porkin' Across America With Today Now!'s Jim Haggerty - Preview

Title: Porkin' Across America With Today Now!'s Jim Haggerty - Preview
Runtime: 0:34
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Starting Thursday, October 11! Travel shotgun with Today Now! host Jim Haggerty as he travels our great nation, trying pork in every state, in his very own show. It's Porkin Across America! Let's pork.

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Mice: Nature's Disposable Animals - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 11

Title: Mice: Nature's Disposable Animals - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 11
Runtime: 2:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Mice are slaughtered by the millions every day across this disgusting planet. This would be a tragedy if they didn't lend themselves so perfectly to this purpose.

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Title: Dredged Stereo? - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:33
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kim gives an austere warning to a wayward dredger. Later: where did Pete get that golf club?

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How To Feel Emotions When Holding Your Newborn - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: How To Feel Emotions When Holding Your Newborn - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:06
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: If looking at an ultrasound of your soon-to-be-born child has you feeling nothing, holding it in your arms will be no better. But I've got just the hack to pretend to your friends, family, and hospital staff that you actually those things we call 'babies.'

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White House Officials Confirm Malia Obama Now Seven Feet, Nine Inches Tall

Title: White House Officials Confirm Malia Obama Now Seven Feet, Nine Inches Tall
Runtime: 3:11
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy. It's the week of September 10, 2011.

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Apple Unveils Much-Anticipated iPhone 4SE

Title: Apple Unveils Much-Anticipated iPhone 4SE
Runtime: 3:29
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Every member of a local improvisational troupe is balding, Prince Charles feels his sons are finally mature enough to handle the truth about what happened to their mother, and a woman can't believe her boyfriend had the nerve to dump her on the couple's 15-week anniversary. It's the week of September 3, 2012.

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What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

Title: What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?
Runtime: 2:01
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search. (Aired 11/18/11)

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Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention

Title: Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention
Runtime: 2:33
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Biden says he's always on the lookout for travel partners he can share some "weed, whites, and whiskey" with.

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Manatees: I Saw Manatees Gang Rape A Crippled Manatee Once, Really - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 10

Title: Manatees: I Saw Manatees Gang Rape A Crippled Manatee Once, Really - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 10
Runtime: 2:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: There's nothing graceful about forced sexual congress, especially when it's conducted by three big manatees preying on a weaker, injured manatee and you're eight years old on holiday with your parents at Sea World.

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Title: Snake Eggs - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 3:11
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kim grapples with his morality as a dredged item risks damaging the Helcomb County dredging industry.

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Hack Pesky Time Loops With Insults - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Hack Pesky Time Loops With Insults - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 1:21
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A webcammer has a great question for me. Time can be a real jerk sometimes, so it's time to fight back with some well-placed insults. Hack time to pieces and stay out of Trouble.

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How Do I Get Those Weight Loss Throat Worms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: How Do I Get Those Weight Loss Throat Worms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:51
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: If you want to shed pounds while staying trendy, throat worms are your obvious answer. I'm showing you how to get these little guys to start incubating a colony right below your larynx so you can be looking trim and looking great!

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The A.V. Club's PARAMETER Film Contest: The Ballad of Oscar Homeslice

Title: The A.V. Club's PARAMETER Film Contest: The Ballad of Oscar Homeslice
Runtime: 6:56
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The A.V. Club (the Onion's sister publication) is pleased to present PARAMETER, a film contest with some very specific rules. Submit your film by Oct. 29, 2012 for a chance to win $10,000 and a trip to Chicago. Visit http://www.avclub.com/parameter for rules.

This entry, "The Ballad Of Oscar Homeslice" comes from Ted Kindig of Lansing, MI. "The Ballad of Oscar Homeslice" was built around all of the following parameters:
- Not a spoof: check
- Popping bottle sounds: see 3:35
- In color, original music: check
- "Wait a minute, the answer will come to me": see 5:10
- Protagonist can't be boring at the end: check
- Features an animal: see 2:30
- Ends with an explosion: see 6:50
- Character called "Homeslice": starts at 1:10, continues
- Protagonist experiences a change: see 5:20
- Character plays a video game: see 3:14
- Important realization: see 4:42
- Director cameo: see 3:25
- Everyone is an Ast...

The Desert: Where Life Goes To Die - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 9

Title: The Desert: Where Life Goes To Die - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 9
Runtime: 2:35
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Animals trek from distant locales just to engage one of the desert's many tendrils of death. The hot sun? The barren landscape? The lack of water? The choices for death are endless in these hellish wastelands.

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Title: Misappraisal - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:36
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kim makes a formal apology for an error he made in the past. Later, Kim must refuse a generous gift in order to keep his job.

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Banjo Hacking - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Banjo Hacking - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 1:28
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Did you know that the banjo forward roll technique can be mastered in as few as twenty-two seconds? Go from zero to banjo on today's Trouble Hacking as I show you guys how to master this hallmark of old-time Americana!

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Mitt Romney Graciously Accepts Thing He Has Paid Millions Of Dollars For

Title: Mitt Romney Graciously Accepts Thing He Has Paid Millions Of Dollars For
Runtime: 3:05
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A hot new murder craze sweeps Chicago, the Netflix board of directors meets to decide if 'Michael' is stream worthy, and Jeb Bush warns RNC attendees of the bad Cialis going around in the parking lot. It's the week of August 27, 2012.

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Title: Sex House - Reunion - Ep. 10
Runtime: 7:47
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Everyone's favorite Americans are back to talk Sex House and dish behind-the-scenes secrets on a very special reunion show. Derek has a huge announcement, Alex has a surprising boyfriend. Nothing is off limits.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Title: Sex House - Ep. 10 - Extended Preview
Runtime: 0:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Watch the thrilling conclusion to Sex House tomorrow, September 13 at 12:00 EST.

And join us tomorrow at 12:30 EST on Reddit where the Sex House writing staff will be conducting a short Q+A session. http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/

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Title: Suspicious Hat - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:01
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Hiram brings in an empty hatbox, but there is more to this appraisal than meets the eye.

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How To Die Right After Seeing DC Cherry Blossoms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: How To Die Right After Seeing DC Cherry Blossoms - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: DC cherry blossoms are beautiful when the come into bloom in early spring and an absolutely lovely final image as your eyes sag from the two liters of bleach you ingested or from the 22mm hollowpoint just beginning to eviscerate your brainstem. There's no wrong way to do it as long as those gorgeous flowers are the sad coda to your life.

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Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has

Title: Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has
Runtime: 3:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Doc and Kenny read and shout the mail, with letters about the racist Cleveland Indians, Lance Armstrong in Norway, a shy Adrian Gonzalez, and a special surprise in this season finale.

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Everyone Unaware How Much Freshman Doing Keg Stand Secretly Misses His Parents

Title: Everyone Unaware How Much Freshman Doing Keg Stand Secretly Misses His Parents
Runtime: 3:14
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, a 2nd-grade teacher can't believe how much fatter they keep getting, and college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made. It's the week of August 20, 2012.

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Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans

Title: Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans
Runtime: 2:46
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Tampa Bay gay sex workers say they plan to rake in the cash sucking off secretly gay Republican politicians during the Republican National Convention.

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Title: Sex Climax - Sex House - Ep. 9
Runtime: 7:41
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

The housemates have been abandoned, but that doesn't mean they're not ready for blistering sex. Alex is on mold abatement duty while Jay mitigates the blight that has been affecting the barley crop. Tara causes drama with frogs.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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