The Onion

Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him In Debt, Unprepared For Job Market

Title: Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him In Debt, Unprepared For Job Market
Runtime: 1:06
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Calling his college experience "the greatest four years of [his] life," 27-year-old University of Miami alumnus Mark Felder maintains a startling level of pride in his alma mater, a private academic institution that left him $50,000 in debt an...

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Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day

Title: Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day
Runtime: 2:43
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: An ornithologist is forced to participate in The History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Become Birds?' program, A 31-year-old remains the only one of his friends who hasn't been married and divorced, and a neighborhood flocks to a coffee shop bulletin board to read about fun upcoming events. It's the week of December 31, 2012.

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Title: Year In Review: 2012
Runtime: 3:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A completely thorough 8,784 hour-long summation of 2012

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Modern-Day Robin Hood Living In Woods, Shooting Rich People With Arrows

Title: Modern-Day Robin Hood Living In Woods, Shooting Rich People With Arrows
Runtime: 1:13
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: He's not stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, but one inspiring hero is attacking people and sleeping in a forest.

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Scientists Debut Smug Robot That Can Run Half-Marathon, Brag About It

Title: Scientists Debut Smug Robot That Can Run Half-Marathon, Brag About It
Runtime: 1:11
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Scientists have unveiled an amazing, ultra-lifelike robot that can not only run a half-marathon, but is also capable of smugly bragging about it afterward.

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Russell Crowe Praised For Stunning Portrayal Of Man Who Cannot Sing Or Act In 'Les Mis'

Title: Russell Crowe Praised For Stunning Portrayal Of Man Who Cannot Sing Or Act In 'Les Mis'
Runtime: 1:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Russell Crowe is generating Oscar buzz for his 'Les Mis' performance as a man who is a much worse singer than all the people around him.

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America's Spookiest Ghost Costumes - America's Best - Ep. 2

Title: America's Spookiest Ghost Costumes - America's Best - Ep. 2
Runtime: 3:35
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: America's Best ghost costumes are out to spook the competition and get their ghost hands on a bus ticket to the semifinals in New York state.

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Mayan Word For 'Apocalypse' Actually Translates More Accurately As 'Time Of Pale Obese Gun Monsters'

Title: Mayan Word For 'Apocalypse' Actually Translates More Accurately As 'Time Of Pale Obese Gun Monsters'
Runtime: 1:11
Date posted: 14 years ago
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Newly revealed Mayan tablets discredit apocalypse theories but seem to predict a mindless society based on guns, football, and gluttony.

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Title: Teachers
Runtime: 1:28
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.

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Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud

Title: Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud
Runtime: 1:42
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A routine conference of medical professionals turned unexpectedly dramatic Thursday night as Dr. Richard Kimble, eminent vascular surgeon and subject of an intense local manhunt, disrupted the downtown Chicago event to accuse a colleague, and by extension pharmaceutical titan Devlin MacGregor, of malfeasance in drug-testing protocol.

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SNL Hosting Gig Caps Breakout Year For Navy's SEAL Team Six

Title: SNL Hosting Gig Caps Breakout Year For Navy's SEAL Team Six
Runtime: 0:50
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: As part of a promotional push for "Zero Dark Thirty", the elite squad of tactical commandos showed off their comedy chops during a ratings-bursting episode of Saturday Night Live.

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America's Breathiest Singer? - America's Best - Ep. 1

Title: America's Breathiest Singer? - America's Best - Ep. 1
Runtime: 4:19
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: America's Best judges welcome a round of singers, but can the judges get past all of the noisy breaths these singers take?

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New iPhone Geared Towards College-Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered Screen

Title: New iPhone Geared Towards College-Aged Girls Comes With Pre-Shattered Screen
Runtime: 0:44
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Created for young women, Apple's new iPhone includes an innovate spiderweb-cracked screen.

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Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu

Title: Peter Jackson's 'The Hobbit' Stays Faithful To Original Book, Denny's Menu
Runtime: 1:08
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Fans of the Denny's Hobbit-themed menu can't wait to see their favorite breakfast items on the big screen.

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Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes

Title: Man Has Such Good Friends They'll Let Him Drink Himself To Death Right Before Their Eyes
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Local resident and full-blown alcoholic Ken Mathiessen has such caring and loyal friends that they are willing to stand by in silence as the 32-year-old drinks himself to death right in front of them, sources confirmed Friday.

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NASA: Water On Mercury Proves Planet Could Support Intergalactic Space Prison

Title: NASA: Water On Mercury Proves Planet Could Support Intergalactic Space Prison
Runtime: 0:58
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Scientists believe that water underneath Mercury's surface means the planet could be turned into a cool space jail where prisoners are held in place with lasers.

EVE Online Gallente Nyx model ©2013 CCP hf. Used with Permission.

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Rare Pornographic Movie Shot At Vatican For First Time Since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV'

Title: Rare Pornographic Movie Shot At Vatican For First Time Since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV'
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, marking the first time the seat of the Roman Catholic Church has hosted the filming of a sexually explicit adult feature since 1982's Pope Fisters IV.

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Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

Title: Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the state of the nation's economy.

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38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook

Title: 38-Year-Old Little Boy Posts Picture Of Fast Car He Likes To Facebook
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Informing reporters that it was one of the coolest things he had ever seen, 38-year-old little boy Nick Weber posted a photograph of a fast car he liked to his Facebook account Saturday.

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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

Title: Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games
Runtime: 0:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation's hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be played.

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Your Brain-Gun: Turn The Safety Off - Onion Talks - Ep. 12

Title: Your Brain-Gun: Turn The Safety Off - Onion Talks - Ep. 12
Runtime: 4:19
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The most powerful weapon isn't in a missile silo: it's in your head. Leonard Pace explains why we should be far more terrified of our brain guns than any manmade weapon.

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Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

Title: Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges
Runtime: 1:13
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government's legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

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Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth's Geography

Title: Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth's Geography
Runtime: 1:14
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Apple is working hard to move streets, buildings, and natural features of the Earth itself to be consistent with their heavily criticized Maps software.

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Victoria's Secret Fashion Show A Hit Among People Who Don't Know That Pornography Exists

Title: Victoria's Secret Fashion Show A Hit Among People Who Don't Know That Pornography Exists
Runtime: 0:58
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Viewers who have never seen nor heard of the concept of pornography provided a massive ratings bump for this year's lingerie fashion show.

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You Want A Movie? Gimme The Stars - Onion Talks - Ep. 11

Title: You Want A Movie? Gimme The Stars - Onion Talks - Ep. 11
Runtime: 4:18
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Hollywood producer Paul Rubenstein has no use for trifles like story or sets. Just get him some stars, and he'll make this movie.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Stabbing Ignorance With Glass Ceiling Shards - Onion Talks - Ep. 10

Title: Stabbing Ignorance With Glass Ceiling Shards - Onion Talks - Ep. 10
Runtime: 4:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: For Nicole Anderson, breaking the glass ceiling isn't enough for women's equality. The razor-edged shards of that destroyed ceiling must eviscerate and disembowel those who held women down for so long.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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The Power Of Selling Out: Your Customers As Political Capital - Onion Talks - Ep. 9

Title: The Power Of Selling Out: Your Customers As Political Capital - Onion Talks - Ep. 9
Runtime: 3:46
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Nathan Eslinger has spent his career designing cutting-edge websites, like his extremely popular photo sharing platform Ripple. While advertising can produce revenue, Eslinger has found a far more profitable and immediate way to generate income: selling his users' data to oppressive governments.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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CVS Unveils New Holiday Advertising Campaign

Title: CVS Unveils New Holiday Advertising Campaign
Runtime: 0:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Watch the full ONNCast report here: http://onion.com/TT4SEs

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Today Now! - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 8

Title: Today Now! - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 8
Runtime: 7:44
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Today on Today Now!, Tracy Gill and very handsome new cohost Brad P. document the travails of the human pig, a grotesque creature that showed up in a suburban Illinois farm one day without explanation.

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Quit Whining And Put On A Goddamn Coat: My Journey - Onion Talks - Ep. 8

Title: Quit Whining And Put On A Goddamn Coat: My Journey - Onion Talks - Ep. 8
Runtime: 3:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Figuring out why you're so cold doesn't take a research grant and a lab--it just takes shutting the fuck up about it and putting on a coat. Linda Delmonico shares how her innovative husband helped her make this important discovery.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Pigmaster General - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 7

Title: Pigmaster General - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 7
Runtime: 9:03
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The Cleveland Hog Fair is the most important pig event in Ohio, and Jim's the guest of honor. Jim's grilling up a little of everything and anointing one lucky oinker as the king of the pig fair. Plus, Jim finally brings home the bacon to his wife Deb.

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Delicious Pie And The Value Of Patience - Onion Talks - Ep. 7

Title: Delicious Pie And The Value Of Patience - Onion Talks - Ep. 7
Runtime: 3:56
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: In our fast paced world, we expect everything at once. But Peter Redd says there is merit to waiting for desirable outcomes-- like savoring a delicious homemade pie. A perfect metaphor for a perfect talk.

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After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

Title: After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
Runtime: 2:38
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.

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Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

Title: Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe
Runtime: 1:49
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

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Using Social Media To Cover For Lack Of Original Thought - Onion Talks - Ep. 6

Title: Using Social Media To Cover For Lack Of Original Thought - Onion Talks - Ep. 6
Runtime: 3:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The world's most successful companies know that social media is a powerful marketing tool, and Cameron Hughes knows how to make social marketing even more effective: by never injecting an ounce of effort into it.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Kim's Dark Mirror - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Kim's Dark Mirror - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 3:30
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The thrilling conclusion of Lake Dredge Appraisal. A well-preserved painting takes Kim's breath away.

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How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

Title: How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day
Runtime: 2:07
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

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Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

Title: Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves
Runtime: 1:34
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves--reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.

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New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

Title: New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose
Runtime: 1:00
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.

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America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign

Title: America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign
Runtime: 2:42
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.

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Niece To Eat You! - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 6

Title: Niece To Eat You! - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 6
Runtime: 7:01
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Jim is stepping back in time to the medieval age at Dinner Kingdom in New Jersey. They have plenty of pork, battling knights, and wifi so he can skype into his niece's funeral. King Haggerty takes care of all of his professional and family obligations in the royal robes he was always meant to don.

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A Future Where All Robots Have Penises - Onion Talks - Ep. 5

Title: A Future Where All Robots Have Penises - Onion Talks - Ep. 5
Runtime: 2:40
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Experts say robots will be in all homes in the next thirty years. Visionary Lucas Oberlin has made the greatest artificial intelligence advance of our generation: a robot with a recognizable, human-like penis.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Zionist Literature - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Zionist Literature - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 3:31
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Cranst returns to the table for the first time since Kim's hospitalization. Controversy surrounds Kim's reaction to some politically-charged literature.

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Real Americans Square Off With The Candidates In The 2012 DemocraKiosk Debate

Title: Real Americans Square Off With The Candidates In The 2012 DemocraKiosk Debate
Runtime: 1:31
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Voters can't wait to show Obama and Romney the pointless talents that make America great.

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New GOP Smartphone App Streamlines Voter Discrimination In Swing States

Title: New GOP Smartphone App Streamlines Voter Discrimination In Swing States
Runtime: 2:23
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities to be disenfranchised.

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Pork Marathon - Porkin' Across America - Ep 5

Title: Pork Marathon - Porkin' Across America - Ep 5
Runtime: 6:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Jim is running the New England Pork Marathon--six states, six porks, one day. Can he do it? Or will Massachusetts prove too hot for him to handle? If there's anyone who can do it, it's pork man Jim Haggerty.

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What Is The Biggest Rock? - Onion Talks - Ep. 4

Title: What Is The Biggest Rock? - Onion Talks - Ep. 4
Runtime: 3:55
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: With so many rocks, which one is the biggest? Professor of Mathematics Arima Nayar explains the science behind big rock discovery, and where the hunt could take us next.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Dan Klein, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Onion Digital Studios Reveals New Programming at 2012 UpFronts

Title: Onion Digital Studios Reveals New Programming at 2012 UpFronts
Runtime: 2:49
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: At the annual advertising upfronts, Onion Digital Studio's CEO reveals our upcoming slate of reality shows that will entertain viewers and use seamless product placement to make them buy Dodge Darts.

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Aborted Appraisal - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Aborted Appraisal - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:30
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A beautiful silverware set appraisal is stopped prematurely. Kim is at his wits' end with more pedestrian dredgers.

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Porkin' Miranda Lambert - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 4

Title: Porkin' Miranda Lambert - Porkin' Across America - Ep. 4
Runtime: 7:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Jim's pork tour heads to Pennsylvania, and he's being joined by country music star Miranda Lambert for one-of-a-kind pork salad at Trixie's BBQ. But before Jim rubs elbows with country music royalty, he's surprising his niece with a pork chop for two. Pork up for a family-sized episode of Porkin Across America!

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