The Onion

Deer: Deer Are Fine - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 8

Title: Deer: Deer Are Fine - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 8
Runtime: 2:29
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Deer have all of the attributes of an animal, and there's nothing to suggest that will ever change. They are, and always have been, simply deer.

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Hound On The Dock - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Hound On The Dock - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:01
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Virgil's dredged guitar gives Kim a chance to showcase his talents.

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Spit Bread On Your Table Properly - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Spit Bread On Your Table Properly - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 1:26
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Just because your mouth is full of soggy bread doesn't mean you have to swallow it. I've got all the hacks for bread extraction via spitting

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Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

Title: Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters
Runtime: 2:57
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve" alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan.

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Roger Goodell Reveals That All Preseason Games Have Secretly Been Regular Season Games

Title: Roger Goodell Reveals That All Preseason Games Have Secretly Been Regular Season Games
Runtime: 2:49
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Doc's back on the road and Kenny's at home as they yell about Roger Goodell secretly making the NFL's preseason games count, Ichiro Suzuki making the Yanks lick his elbow, and a fluctuating market for Tarvaris Jackson.

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Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate Putin

Title: Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate Putin
Runtime: 2:56
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A man thanks God he's not sexually attracted to children, the nation's women aren't as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around. It's the week of August 13th, 2012.

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This Week In History: The Beatles Play Shea Stadium In Huge Gig Opening For The Mamas And The Papas

Title: This Week In History: The Beatles Play Shea Stadium In Huge Gig Opening For The Mamas And The Papas
Runtime: 2:58
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10,000 dead laborers, and the Beatles playing to 60,000 fans at Shea Stadium in a huge gig opening for the Mamas and the Papas.

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Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

Title: Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts
Runtime: 3:13
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A local dog is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn't in a goddamn economic crisis, Mitt Romney gets stick in an endless loop of uncomfortable chuckling, and a woman was oddly not leered at or harassed at any point in her day. It's the week of August 6th, 2012.

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Title: Orgy Scheming - Sex House - Ep. 8
Runtime: 6:09
Date posted: 14 years ago
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The housemates plan an orgy. Alex gets herself in the mood with the Sybian and Derek puts those sex shackles to good use. Frank can't keep it in his pants.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Animals Spread Disease Constantly - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 7

Title: Animals Spread Disease Constantly - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 7
Runtime: 2:21
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Every living being on this planet is a facilitator of unspeakable disease and malady. No true refuge exists from the monolithic and all-encompassing scourge of bacteria jettisoned out during the trillions of metabolic activities conducted in a single second.

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Title: Coins/Pen - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 3:14
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Virgil brings in a dredged pen.

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Blankets No Longer Warm Me - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Blankets No Longer Warm Me - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:18
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: While people often love warming themselves with blankets, many want to join in and can't simply because they are undereducated on what a blanket is. Time to Trouble Hack through the ignorance and get to the bottom of these blanket woes!

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Title: Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today
Runtime: 1:56
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

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Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

Title: Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery
Runtime: 2:44
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Staff editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly once again gives readers a peek inside his creative process.

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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Title: Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping
Runtime: 1:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

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Jailed Nelson Mandela Becomes Fully Rehabilitated Through South Africa's Stellar Penal System

Title: Jailed Nelson Mandela Becomes Fully Rehabilitated Through South Africa's Stellar Penal System
Runtime: 3:18
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: This Week In History: The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa's stellar penal system, and the day construction workers realized they built the Erie Canal in the wrong place.

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Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"

Title: Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"
Runtime: 2:48
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The GOOMF guys yell somewhat coherently about a water polo defection, the Cubs' new seven-player "ChicagaZor," and Jeff Saturday wasting away without Peyton Manning.

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Title: Sex In A Bottle - Sex House - Ep. 7
Runtime: 6:29
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

A fun new drink has the housemates turned on and primed for sex. Erin and Alex get into a skanky cat fight while Jay and Derek get down to business. Frank has blue lines.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Cheap, Clean Natural Gas: Earth's One Good Feature - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 6

Title: Cheap, Clean Natural Gas: Earth's One Good Feature - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 6
Runtime: 3:08
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Sky Energy is proud to partner with Horrifying Planet in forging sustainable futures for this generation and many more to come. Fresh, clean natural gas lies just below the Earth's surface, and with a simple and safe process called fracking, we can extract this valuable commodity for all to share.

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Shitbucket Of John Wilkes Booth - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Shitbucket Of John Wilkes Booth - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:32
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kim is forced to make an appraisal on a priceless US history artifact after Milt invokes the Dredger's Guild laws.

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My Baby Got Carried Away By A Tumbleweed - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: My Baby Got Carried Away By A Tumbleweed - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 1:36
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Today I'm showing you how to track down that tumbleweed that contains your small child. So grab a pot, a knife, and some rancid dog meat: we're gonna find that baby!

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Usain Bolt Sprints To Gold In Front Of Virulent Racist Queen Elizabeth II

Title: Usain Bolt Sprints To Gold In Front Of Virulent Racist Queen Elizabeth II
Runtime: 3:03
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Doc has finally arrived in London to crash his face with Kenny's over the dangerous Night Olympics, the shot putters' glorious forearms, and the Queen's likely racism.

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GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

Title: GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November
Runtime: 2:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won't die before voting on Election Day.

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Title: Dr. Sex - Sex House - Ep. 6
Runtime: 6:54
Date posted: 14 years ago
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The housemates oil themselves up to play sexy oily Twister. A therapist visits to help Jay and Tara work through their sex problems. A terrarium is introduced to address the fly problem.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Spiders: Christ, Fucking Spiders - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 5

Title: Spiders: Christ, Fucking Spiders - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 5
Runtime: 1:46
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Christ almighty, spiders were designed to disgust and terrorize the other living creatures on this planet with those spindly fucking legs...ah fuck that's the worst! Spiders are the fucking fucking worst.

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Pilfering Pete's Briefcase - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: Pilfering Pete's Briefcase - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:23
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Pete finds an old briefcase that looks a lot like one Kim used to own, but it's anything but a happy reunion.

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Simple Ways To Hack Your Breadstick - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Simple Ways To Hack Your Breadstick - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:20
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A few simple tricks to get the most out of your breadstick!

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Opt Out Of Olive Garden's Bread Bowl, It's Your Right - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Opt Out Of Olive Garden's Bread Bowl, It's Your Right - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:14
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: If you've always found Olive Garden's unlimited breadsticks invasive, find out how to opt out of this program the second you walk in the door. Get back your confidence and appetite at your favorite Italian casual dining spot.

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Coach K Hires Coxswain To Keep USA Basketball Team Motivated And In Rhythm

Title: Coach K Hires Coxswain To Keep USA Basketball Team Motivated And In Rhythm
Runtime: 2:59
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Tim Devannon and Kenny Kennedy are back in London to discuss Coach K's new coxswain, China's fake Britain, and rowers discovering the sail.

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Fucking Oasis To Probably Be Worked Into Olympics Opening Ceremony

Title: Fucking Oasis To Probably Be Worked Into Olympics Opening Ceremony
Runtime: 3:14
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Chick-fil-A debuts its new homophobic sandwich, the 'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu,' a horrible couple really wants their wedding to reflect their personalities, and Uncle Ben's plans to compete against Apple with a brand new smart phone. It's the week of July 23rd, 2012.

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God Tells IOC President To Build Ark, Gather 2 Olympians From Each Sport

Title: God Tells IOC President To Build Ark, Gather 2 Olympians From Each Sport
Runtime: 2:48
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God's new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples for the archery competition.

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Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

Title: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities
Runtime: 2:05
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Objectively awful couple Ross Bird and Jessica Black want their upcoming wedding to be a true reflection of who they are as human beings.

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Title: Banana Sex Olympics - Sex House - Ep. 5
Runtime: 6:54
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

A truckload of bananas gets delivered to the housemates to stimulate some filthy games. Erin eats regurgitated banana mush. Sex doctor visits.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Robins: The Perfect Murder Machine - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 4

Title: Robins: The Perfect Murder Machine - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 4
Runtime: 2:32
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The robin is murder personified. Watch in terror as nature's perfectly crafter killer tears apart worm after worm after worm.

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Title: Revolting Silt - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:36
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Captain Hiram's suction dredge brings back more than he bargained for.

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Find The Sweet Apricots You Buried So Long Ago - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Find The Sweet Apricots You Buried So Long Ago - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:27
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Even though you may have buried that box of perfectly-ripened apricots twenty or even thirty years ago in a seemingly endless field where the sun came through the branches of that old spruce tree just so, casting dancing shadows on the dewy tall grass, there's no reason I can't show you how to hack your brain to find it now! You'll have sweet apricot juice running down your cheeks in no time.

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Reporters Struggling To Maintain Energy Until Election

Title: Reporters Struggling To Maintain Energy Until Election
Runtime: 2:54
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Andrea Bennett and Jason Copeland look ahead at the long months remaining before this election is finally over.

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Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos

Title: Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos
Runtime: 3:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Employees at arts and entertainment website Grind.com confirmed that CEO Jeff Potkul became drenched in blood, violently demanding staff members to create more web videos.

Martin Luther King Bust First Thing To Go, Romney Advisor Quietly Thinking

Title: Martin Luther King Bust First Thing To Go, Romney Advisor Quietly Thinking
Runtime: 2:43
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A new study finds that Americans need six hours of sleep at work, scientists say the U.S. may have discovered a previously unknown level of not caring about Syria, and a fan prefers Tarantino's early work when he was shelving movies all day at a video store, It's the week of July 16th, 2012.

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Penn State Offers Victims The Chance To Vandalize Joe Paterno's Statue

Title: Penn State Offers Victims The Chance To Vandalize Joe Paterno's Statue
Runtime: 2:47
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The GOOMFers gaze into the clouds to see Penn State begging victims to vandalize Paterno's statue and call it quits and the British Open being overrun by a tribe of "Bunkals" living in its sand traps.

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PARAMETER: The A.V. Club's Short Film Competition

Title: PARAMETER: The A.V. Club's Short Film Competition
Runtime: 1:21
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Welcome to Parameter, The A.V. Club's super-specific short-film competition, presented by Grolsch. Taking our cues from the super-restrictive Dogme 95 film movement (but without the pretension), we're challenging you to create a 3-7 minute short film following very specific rules. The winner will receive $10,000 and a trip to Chicago. More info here: http://www.avclub.com/parameter/info/

Title: Erin Bares It All - Sex House - Ep. 4
Runtime: 7:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Sex House gets spiced up with a sexy photo shoot by European sensation Soren Damgaard. Erin's scandalous announcement changes everything. The housemates pine for honey.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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Tidal Pools: Nature's Putrid Sewers - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 3

Title: Tidal Pools: Nature's Putrid Sewers - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 3
Runtime: 3:05
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: As certain as the changing of the tides is the utter putrescence of what lies beneath them. Caked with filth, brimming with urine and home to some of the world's most vile creatures, tidal zones are nature's symbiotic waste dumps.

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100 iPhones Found In Lake - Lake Dredge Appraisal

Title: 100 iPhones Found In Lake - Lake Dredge Appraisal
Runtime: 2:20
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Virgil is back with a bag full of iPhones he dredged from the lake, but he makes a classic dredger mistake.

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Kenneth Branagh's Mechanical Spider Attacking You? Stop Him - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Title: Kenneth Branagh's Mechanical Spider Attacking You? Stop Him - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
Runtime: 2:04
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: You may think dropping nitroglycerine from Kevin Kline's biplane is the only way to stop a menacing mechanical spider piloted by Kenneth Branagh. But I've got another trick up my sleeve. Find out, on Trouble Hacking!

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This Week In History: Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon

Title: This Week In History: Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon
Runtime: 3:25
Date posted: 14 years ago
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HP Offers 'That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About'

Title: HP Offers 'That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About'
Runtime: 2:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: HP announced they're making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is.

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Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt

Title: Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt
Runtime: 3:03
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Comic Con is once again marred by the increasingly popular Bully-Con, a weird glitch causes 'The Amazing Spider-Man' to reboot in the middle of the movie, and the 'Richie Rich' comic strip introduces a new, even gayer character. It's the week of July 9th, 2012.

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Cubs Finally Remove Wrigley Field Ivy After Third Outfielder Hangs Himself On A Vine

Title: Cubs Finally Remove Wrigley Field Ivy After Third Outfielder Hangs Himself On A Vine
Runtime: 2:34
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God's new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples for the archery competition.

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Title: Get On That Pole! - Sex House - Ep. 3
Runtime: 6:58
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Tara and Alex are at each other's throats when a sexy pole dance instructor teaches the ladies how to sex themselves up. The boys take a few tips from legendary insult comedian Danny Vullmer about how to give their tips to the ladies.

ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers

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