The Onion

America's Best Huqin Player? - America's Best - Ep. 9

Title: America's Best Huqin Player? - America's Best - Ep. 9
Runtime: 5:49
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Downtrodden-looking Chinese huqin players are packing the auditioning room as the judges close out the final day of the first round of America's Best!

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Today NOW! Offers 7UP TEN Chance For Fruitful Sponsorship

Title: Today NOW! Offers 7UP TEN Chance For Fruitful Sponsorship
Runtime: 0:34
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: We invested $150,000 in this test sponsorship. We hope that you like it, 7UP TEN! Our producers tell us that our jobs depend on it!

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Study Reveals Conditions In Women's Prisons Deplorably Unsexy

Title: Study Reveals Conditions In Women's Prisons Deplorably Unsexy
Runtime: 1:04
Date posted: 14 years ago
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A disturbing new study reveals that women's prisons are not the hotbeds of sexy discipline and kittenish exploration they should be.

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Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling

Title: Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling
Runtime: 1:39
Date posted: 14 years ago
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Expressing both joy and astonishment, 55-year-old accountant Jacob Reynolds confirmed Wednesday that a recent rendezvous with a prostitute had left him completely and utterly satisfied on an emotional level.

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Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat

Title: Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
Runtime: 1:19
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an unexpected threat, workplace sources confirmed.

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'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Burdened With Protecting Us From The Truth

Title: 'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Burdened With Protecting Us From The Truth
Runtime: 0:57
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Though presiding over a country hampered by war, an economic recession, dramatic cultural upheaval, and a partisan divide at the highest levels of government, the man responsible for shielding American citizens from reality declared tonight in his annual address to Congress that the state of the union is strong.

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Nation's 24 Middle Class Citizens Glad To Hear Obama Looking Out For Them

Title: Nation's 24 Middle Class Citizens Glad To Hear Obama Looking Out For Them
Runtime: 2:53
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A new pair of Sony nosebuds lets users blast different smells into their nostrils, a devoted abuser stops by his girlfriend's office to deliver a surprise threat, and a man never expected sex with a prostitute would be so emotionally fulfilling. It's the week of February 15, 2013.

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New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils

Title: New Sony Nose Buds Allow Users To Blast Different Smells Into Nostrils
Runtime: 1:24
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Hailing the product as a revolution in smelling technology, Sony released its sleek new line of nose buds Monday, which will allow consumers to blast a variety of scents directly into their nostrils whenever and wherever they please.

Santana And Rob Thomas' 'Smooth' Sweeps Grammy Awards For 13th Year In A Row

Title: Santana And Rob Thomas' 'Smooth' Sweeps Grammy Awards For 13th Year In A Row
Runtime: 0:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

The unstoppable mega-hit "Smooth" by Santana featuring Rob Thomas continued its unstoppable Grammy streak, picking up awards in every major category.

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A Tale Of Two Singers - America's Best - Ep. 8

Title: A Tale Of Two Singers - America's Best - Ep. 8
Runtime: 3:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: It's a tale of two singers: the awful Brian and the transcendent Amelia. Brian can't mask his terrible singing voice while Amelia's gift of song blows the judges away.

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Reclusive 'Terrence Malick Of The Beltway' To Release First New Law In 20 Years

Title: Reclusive 'Terrence Malick Of The Beltway' To Release First New Law In 20 Years
Runtime: 1:21
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Congressman Henry Crawford's quietly stunning laws may not appeal to everyone, but are leaving fans of art-house legislation enraptured.

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SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

Title: SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show
Runtime: 3:07
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility. It's the week of February 8, 2013.

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iInterviewer: Jason Schwartzman and Roman Coppola

Title: iInterviewer: Jason Schwartzman and Roman Coppola
Runtime: 1:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Our state-of-the-art entertainment reporter talks to director Roman Coppola and star Jason Schwartzman of A Glimpse Inside The Mind Of Charles Swan III.

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PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama

Title: PR Firm Advises U.S. To Cut Ties With Alabama
Runtime: 1:34
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Emphasizing the importance of protecting the nation's global image, marketers at the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton Strategies, Inc. reportedly met with White House officials on Monday to recommend that the United States publicly distance itself from the entire state of Alabama.

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Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes

Title: Report: Peanut Butter Contains Traces Of Rat Feces But Life's Weird Like That Sometimes
Runtime: 0:58
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A report released Monday by the Food and Drug Administration stated that the majority of peanut butter sold in the United States contains trace amounts of rat feces, but that, hey, life can be weird like that sometimes and you've just got to take it as it comes.

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Title: Hot Dog Face - Teachers, Ep. 5
Runtime: 0:50
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.

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New Orleans Police Struggle To Contain Rioting Ray Lewis After Ravens' Super Bowl Victory

Title: New Orleans Police Struggle To Contain Rioting Ray Lewis After Ravens' Super Bowl Victory
Runtime: 0:55
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Riot police have been dispatched to quell an enthusiastic Ray Lewis after his team's stunning Super Bowl win.

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Top Chef Contestants Forced To Prepare Entire Meal Out Of 2013 Toyota Avalon

Title: Top Chef Contestants Forced To Prepare Entire Meal Out Of 2013 Toyota Avalon
Runtime: 1:19
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit cooking show turned up the heat on contestants, asking them to prepare a gourmet meal using only a sponsor's flagship sedan.

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America's Sandiest Car? - America's Best - Ep. 7

Title: America's Sandiest Car? - America's Best - Ep. 7
Runtime: 4:11
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Today on America's Best: the judges are looking for America's sandiest car, but there's not enough room to bring a car into the studio. Will photographs of the sandy cars suffice?

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Taylor Swift Releases New Breakup Song Slamming Winner Of 'Win A Date With Taylor Swift' Contest

Title: Taylor Swift Releases New Breakup Song Slamming Winner Of 'Win A Date With Taylor Swift' Contest
Runtime: 1:04
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The country starlet has dated a who's who of A-listers, but her new song seemingly insults the 16-year-old fan who won a 'Win A Date With Taylor Swift' contest.

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Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting Today

Title: Local Burger Feels Especially Disgusting Today
Runtime: 2:37
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The Department of the Interior is bilked out of $18 million by a con-gopher, a paranoid Syrian man thinks the government is out to get him, and a teenage girl is blossoming into a beautiful object. It's the week of February 1, 2013.

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Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher

Title: Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
Runtime: 1:30
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Officials from the Interior Department hastily assembled a press conference Thursday after the government agency was reportedly swindled out of an estimated $18 million by a smooth-talking con gopher.

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Health Officials Urging Americans To Do Something, Anything For 30 Minutes A Day

Title: Health Officials Urging Americans To Do Something, Anything For 30 Minutes A Day
Runtime: 1:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a new report asking Americans to just do anything at all for Christ's sake for 30 minutes each day.

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And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow

Title: And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow
Runtime: 1:08
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: As yet another day drew to a close Wednesday, sources confirmed that, Christ, just think, the nation actually has to go through all of this again tomorrow.

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Title: Ms. Butterfly - Teachers, Ep. 4
Runtime: 1:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.

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New Miss America In Danger Of Losing Crown After Officials Uncover Details From Her Sordid Future

Title: New Miss America In Danger Of Losing Crown After Officials Uncover Details From Her Sordid Future
Runtime: 0:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA

Recently-crowned Miss America Mallory Hagan may lose her title after racy photographs, an embarrassing attempt at a singing career, and drug problems have been unearthed in her future.

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Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever

Title: Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever
Runtime: 0:48
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Completing their decade-long project, the Huffington Post has finally released their exhaustive database of every person who has ever been remotely famous for any reason.

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America's Best Kisser? - America's Best - Ep. 6

Title: America's Best Kisser? - America's Best - Ep. 6
Runtime: 4:21
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The judges are puckering up to receive a long line of people hoping to be America's Best kisser. Too much tongue? No lips? Rotten teeth? There's no room for error on America's Best.

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Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers

Title: Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers
Runtime: 1:18
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A frustrated group of students at Dunne High School on Chicago's South Side told reporters Thursday that they are running out of ideas to motivate their underperforming teachers, who they claim have apparently given up on education despite the pupils' concerted efforts.

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NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA

Title: NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA
Runtime: 1:33
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Nearly four years after launching its Kepler space telescope to search for worlds outside our solar system, NASA officials confirmed Tuesday they had yet to find a planet with sufficient resources to support the space-exploration agency and its 18,000 employees.

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Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving

Title: Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving
Runtime: 2:46
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: NASA continues it's search for a planet capable of supportung NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a copy of 'The Scarlet Letter'' can't belive the notes a high schooler is writing in its margins. It's the week of January 25, 2013.

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Lance Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain

Title: Lance Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: With his 'golden boy' image tarnished, Lance Armstrong has returned to cycling as radical bad boy 'Killstrong.'

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Diane Sawyer Introduces New Foul-Mouthed, Cigar-Chomping Character To 'ABC World News'

Title: Diane Sawyer Introduces New Foul-Mouthed, Cigar-Chomping Character To 'ABC World News'
Runtime: 3:10
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A report finds that most small businesses failed in the first 6 hours of being on fire, the Osama bin Laden foundation awards fellowships to 20 promising young terrorists, and the NYPD finds a super-sharp Buck knife. It's the week of January 18, 2013.

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Title: The Burtons - Teachers, Ep. 3
Runtime: 2:45
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.

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Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day

Title: Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day
Runtime: 1:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Completing their decade-long project, the Huffington Post has finally released their exhaustive database of every person who has ever been remotely famous for any reason.

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Hoaxed Linebacker Manti Te'o Now Dating 'Scarlett Johansson's Head On Jenny McCarthy's Body'

Title: Hoaxed Linebacker Manti Te'o Now Dating 'Scarlett Johansson's Head On Jenny McCarthy's Body'
Runtime: 0:46
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: After falling for an Internet romance hoax, linebacker Manti Te'o has finally found love with an amazing women who looks like two famous actresses taped together.

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America's Best Scatter? - America's Best - Ep. 5

Title: America's Best Scatter? - America's Best - Ep. 5
Runtime: 4:07
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Judge Ricky Norman's friend Steve Weasel shows up to show off his scatting.

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College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August

Title: College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August
Runtime: 1:27
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Citing various family emergencies, last-minute weddings, and impromptu hometown gatherings, the roommate of Indiana University freshman Lawrence Plotnick has had an excuse to go home every weekend this academic year, according to campus reports.

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Jodie Foster Inspires Teens To Come Out Using Vague, Rambling Riddles

Title: Jodie Foster Inspires Teens To Come Out Using Vague, Rambling Riddles
Runtime: 1:09
Date posted: 14 years ago
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After sort of, maybe coming out during her Golden Globes speech, Jodie Foster is inspiring LGBT youth to honor their true selves in the form of confusing, disjointed riddles.

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Title: Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife
Runtime: 1:19
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Warning residents that the blade was "super deadly" and "badass," city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

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Title: Hot Kids - Teachers, Ep. 2
Runtime: 2:17
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The hit series from The Onion's Family Channel explores the joys and sorrows of America's favorite teachers.

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Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists

Title: Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists
Runtime: 1:52
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Representatives of the Osama bin Laden Foundation announced Tuesday the winners of the 2013 Mohamed Atta Fellowship, an annually awarded scholarship and stipend that is bestowed on the 20 "most exceptionally talented young terrorists" from around the world.

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NRA Fights Legislation That Would Ban Gun Sales To Those Currently On Killing Sprees

Title: NRA Fights Legislation That Would Ban Gun Sales To Those Currently On Killing Sprees
Runtime: 1:09
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The NRA says a proposal to ban gun sales to anyone in the middle of a killing spree is a gross violation of the Second Amendment.

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Snakes In A Bag - America's Best - Ep. 4

Title: Snakes In A Bag - America's Best - Ep. 4
Runtime: 4:17
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Ugly old Ted Dricks doesn't have any talent at all... Unless he happens to possess an incredible skill that no one with half a brain would think he was capable of.

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Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That

Title: Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That
Runtime: 1:02
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: After discovering his mother had failed to pay his phone bill from last month, local resident Cormac Flannigan, 29, reminded her Tuesday to "try to be more careful" and "make a point of remembering to do that going forward," family sources confirmed.

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Title: Only Difficult Pistachios Left In Bag
Runtime: 2:54
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: AIG blows all the goodwill built up by Wall Street in recent years, a mother that forgot to pay a 29-year-old's phone bill is reminded to be careful about that, and a career spider is unsure if she's ready for 3,000 kids at this point. It's the week of January 11, 2012.

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Fan Responds To Taylor Swift's Leaked Single, "I'm Not Your Contest"

Title: Fan Responds To Taylor Swift's Leaked Single, "I'm Not Your Contest"
Runtime: 0:48
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: Watch the full ONNCast report here: http://onion.com/14vvwHx

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Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills

Title: Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills
Runtime: 1:15
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: A new study finds that many American students do not realize that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen or heard.

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Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory

Title: Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory
Runtime: 1:38
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: According to law enforcement officials, an FBI raid on Thursday uncovered appallingly inhumane conditions in Cosmopolitan magazine's male-pleasure laboratory, where numerous male test subjects have allegedly suffered extensive long-term abuse at the hands of female scientists.

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Psychiatrists Warn Nation's Used Car Salesman Going Insane, Practically Giving Cars Away

Title: Psychiatrists Warn Nation's Used Car Salesman Going Insane, Practically Giving Cars Away
Runtime: 1:08
Date posted: 14 years ago
Description: The American Psychiatric Association is warning that with prices this low, the nation's used car salesman must be out of their minds.

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