The Onion
Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite
- Title
- Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.
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- Title
- The Dangers Of Hot Soda - Dr. Good - Ep. 10
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Is throwing your soda in the microwave a good idea or a deal with the devil? The doctors on Dr. Good explain why hot soda could be worse for us than we know.
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- Title
- Booming Tear Gas Industry Continues To Lead Global Economic Recovery
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
A dying kid in Houston is holding on until the Astros develop a player worth meeting, fossilized evidence reveals the Spazosaurus was the largest doofus ever to roam the earth, and a Facebook friend is apparently under the impression that Ron Paul is still running for a major federal office. It's the week of July 5, 2013.
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- Title
- Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
- Runtime
- 1:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced Study.
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- Title
- Health Questions, Answers and Free Chicken Wings - Dr. Good - Ep. 9
- Runtime
- 4:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Dr. Lisa, Dr. Ngume, and Dr. Tanas are trying to pick up the pieces after the death of Dr. Good. Today they're tackling a sinus pain question from a generous audience member!
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- Title
- Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Producers insist that the beloved characters are merely friends and that "gay" doesn't remotely describe their bizarre underworld of sexual deviance.
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- Title
- New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks your cock all at the same time.
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- Title
- Overjoyed Florida Gay Couples Rush Out To Have Marriage Denied
- Runtime
- 2:32
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, and Alito suddenly realize they will be the villains in an Oscar-Winning movie one day, the world's markets plunged into turmoil after the price of money skyrocketed to $90 a dollar, and scientists probably discovered a frog or something. It's the week of June 28, 2013.
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- Title
- Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'
- Runtime
- 1:35
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Director Paul Feig narrates a clip from his new film 'The Heat,' which he says, like 'Bridesmaids,' is a ghost story at heart.
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- Title
- 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting
- Runtime
- 1:25
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Upon coming across the same job posting Monday for a full-time position at a local startup company, an estimated 1,400 people reportedly described the opening as "a perfect fit" for their qualifications, saying it was exactly the opportunity they've been waiting for.
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- Title
- Dr. Good Has Died AND It's Audience Nap Time! - Dr. Good - Ep. 8
- Runtime
- 4:32
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The Dr. Good team says goodbye to Dr. Good who died suddenly out of nowhere. PLUS we take a look back at a classic episode where Dr. Good tried to put his audience to sleep to prevent Alzheimer's!
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- Title
- The Gameological Society Digest: Reus
- Runtime
- 8:45
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Swinging through Gameological HQ on a visit from Chicago, Samantha Nelson makes her long-awaited debut on The Digest! She's here to talk about Reus, a "god game" that demands a more balanced approach than the usual "go all-out and conquer the world" setup.
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- Title
- USA Renews 'Burn Notice,' 'Burn Collar,' 'Covert Notice,' 'Royal Affairs,' 'Legal Burns'
- Runtime
- 1:49
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The popular network will bring back all 90 of its current sun-soaked shows about spies or lawyers or something.
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- Title
- The Gameological Society Digest — Call Of Juarez: Gunslinger
- Runtime
- 9:29
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The list of iconic Western games is pretty short, and while we might not be ready to grant Call Of Juarez: Gunslinger icon status, it is a fun summertime diversion.
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- Title
- Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
After fluctuating wildly this morning between $1 and $35, the price of money spiked to an unprecedented $90 a dollar in afternoon trading, plunging international financial markets into chaos.
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- Title
- Study: Pregnant Women Can Drink One Bottle Of Wine A Day If Fetus Can Handle Its Shit
- Runtime
- 2:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
McDonald's is considering franching restaurants after 70 years of being family owned and operated, the financial sector thinks it's about ready to ruin the world again, and a kidnapping is going pretty smoothly. It's the week of June 21, 2013.
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- Title
- High School For The Performing Arts Student Goes In Depth About Really Weird Peer Pressure
- Runtime
- 1:04
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Philadelphia High School for Performing and Visual Arts student Samantha Bylum, 16, told reporters this week that she is currently experiencing an overwhelming amount of pressure to conform to some really weird social norms.
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- Title
- How To Survive Being Shot Point Blank In The Chest - Dr. Good - Ep 7.
- Runtime
- 3:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
While our grandparents may have died from being shot in the chest point blank, thanks to new advances we don't have to live with that fear. Dr. Good and his team have the cure!
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- Title
- Will Season Four Of 'Downton Abbey' Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?
- Runtime
- 1:02
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.
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- Title
- A.V. Club Stand Down: Tig Notaro bombs onstage, then things get worse
- Runtime
- 4:34
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- On this episode of The A.V. Club's 'Stand Down,' Tig Notaro recalls a comedy club in the suburbs of Denver where she bombed early in her career. As she experiences, bombing wasn't even the worst part of it, but she manages to come away with a comedy life lesson.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines 'The Wizard of Oz' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Nation Demands New Photograph Of Edward Snowden
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no one has ever done it, and those who are trying should give up immediately. It's the week of June 14, 2013.
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- Title
- Friends Don't Understand How Man Not Depressed
- Runtime
- 1:22
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak existence.
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- Title
- Ladies, Freeze Your Hot Young Face For Later! - Dr. Good - Ep. 6
- Runtime
- 4:54
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Dr. Good shows off the new FroZFace Cube, which allows ambitious working women to freeze their pretty, wrinkle free faces for use after they have accomplished their professional goals and are ready to attract a husband.
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- Title
- Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'
- Runtime
- 1:46
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The 'Mummy' star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.
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- Title
- A.V. Club Stand Down: Reggie Watts shows team spirit - Ep. 2
- Runtime
- 3:23
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The always unpredictable Reggie Watts inhabits a unique space in the comedy world that comprises stand-up and music, but doesn't wholly fit in either world. That can be a lot to process, especially for people who aren't necessarily comedy fans—like, say, people waiting for a band to play. As he recounts in this installment A.V. Club Stand Down, he's not above baiting a hostile crowd.
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- Title
- Pentagon Leaders Confirm U.S. Military Sexual Assaults Still Best In World
- Runtime
- 2:23
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends. It's the week of June 6, 2013.
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- Title
- Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of 'Man In The Mirror' Better Get His Act Together
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Sources at Charley's Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song "Man In The Mirror," better get his goddamn act together sometime fucking soon.
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- Title
- A.V. Club Stand Down: Patton Oswalt's Magical Black Man - Ep. 1
- Runtime
- 4:31
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The A.V. Club asked some of our favorite stand-up comedians to share a short anecdote about a memorably tough gig, which we re-create with animation.
In this episode: The inimitable Patton Oswalt, who had a nice man completely decimate his material at a show early in his career.
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- Title
- Wake Up Call For A Bad Tooth Brusher - Dr. Good - Ep 5
- Runtime
- 4:38
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
It's a Dr. Good wake up call for audience member Kendra who gets a firsthand look at a tank full of the putrid gunk that accrues in her mouth every second she's not brushing her teeth.
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- Title
- 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005
- Runtime
- 1:52
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Critics say the upcoming Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson film about interning at Google has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.
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- Title
- Scientists Discover 90 Percent Of Earth's Atmosphere Made From Thoughts, Prayers
- Runtime
- 3:03
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole. It's the week of May 3, 2013.
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- Title
- All Of Nation's Living Presidents Gather To Lie About Bush Presidency
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail. It's the week of April 26, 2013.
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- Title
- Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
- Runtime
- 1:30
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.
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- Title
- Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
- Runtime
- 1:34
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
SANTA CLARA, CA—Local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his Facebook profile picture.
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- Title
- Kourtney Kardashian's Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore
- Runtime
- 1:25
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.
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- Title
- Help! I'm A Different Height Than Someone Else! - Dr. Good - Ep 4
- Runtime
- 3:47
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Dr. Good explains that being short doesn't mean you're sick and that being tall is just as important as you think it is.
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- Title
- Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year
- Runtime
- 1:36
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Widely regarded as one of the online world's brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.
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- Title
- Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out
- Runtime
- 1:45
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the "Fuck Your Brains Out" sex education program.
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- Title
- Best of Onion Sports: OSN Tackles Underreported Sports
- Runtime
- 15:55
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Onion Sports Network Underreported Sports is a testament to their oceanic breadth of sports coverage, reporting on everything from the saga of Donkey Basketball phenom Scraps and his struggle to adjust to professional donkey basketball to Sepak Takraw bad-boy Nguywen Thi Buch Thuy, who memorably demanded "Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball."
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- Title
- Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands
- Runtime
- 1:12
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.
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- Title
- Dr. Good's Ultimate Shot Giveaway! - Dr. Good - Ep. 3
- Runtime
- 3:11
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- A big surprise on today's Dr. Good --everyone in the audience is getting free shots every kind and every dosage! It's a shot-tacular for the ages only on Dr. Good!
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- Title
- Weeping Guy
- Runtime
- 0:58
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit | Full Report: http://onion.com/10Ppg9e
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- Title
- Web Series Reaches 100 Views
- Runtime
- 2:17
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.
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- Title
- Could Plastic Surgery Be Your Ticket To Employment? - Dr. Good - Ep. 2
- Runtime
- 3:58
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Does being attractive help you get a job? Hell yes! Dr. Good's resident plastic surgeon Dr. Tanas turns some unemployed ugly ducklings into employable mega-sexy swans.
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- Title
- The Best Of Today Now!: Fresh Roasted Cup Of News
- Runtime
- 17:18
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The best of the Onion News Network's morning show, including stories like New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' and '12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams.'
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- Title
- Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Cafe Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?
- Runtime
- 2:23
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.
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- Title
- Your Insides Look Like Smashed Tomatoes - Dr. Good - Ep. 1
- Runtime
- 4:45
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Dr. Good and his team take an exclusive look inside the human body using nothing more than smashed tomatoes, dirt, and paper bags. Unlock the secrets to great health with America's favorite daytime TV doctors!
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- Title
- David Fincher To Helm YouTube's First Hour-Long Drama Series 'Turtle Has Sex With Shoes'
- Runtime
- 1:48
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
YouTube is the latest site to jump into the original programming arena with the announcement of a gritty adaptation of the popular video.
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- Title
- Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
- Runtime
- 1:02
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Reasoning that he's a grown adult who can eat food whenever he damn well pleases, local man Kyle Dunedin, 30, reportedly decided at 10:58 a.m. Wednesday that, fuck it, he was ready for lunch.
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