The Onion
CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO
- Title
- CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO
- Runtime
- 1:20
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous CEO.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Week One Panic - Season 1, Ep. 3 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 5:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Episode 4 of Tough Season now: http://onion.com/19Nve1S
After a tough week one loss, Brad desperately tries to trade his entire team away. Larry Fitzgerald gives Alfred Morris some sage advice. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Anonymous Source Tells Reporters That He's Tired Of Being Speaker Of The House
- Runtime
- 2:26
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can't be worn to his grandfather's funeral. It's the week of October 18, 2013.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews '12 Years A Slave'
- Runtime
- 2:27
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews '12 Years A Slave' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn To Grandfather's Funeral
- Runtime
- 0:58
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Arguing that he had been allowed to wear it in the past, local youth Andrew Robillard protested a parental edict barring his Iron Man costume from the upcoming funeral of his late grandfather.
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- Title
- Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- From The Archives: Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered 27-year-old is actually an embarrassingly unskilled singer-songwriter.
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- Title
- White House Schedules Key Shoutings With Congressional Leaders
- Runtime
- 3:08
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Congressional aides withhold sex until a budget compromise is reached, the Nobel prize in Chemistry is awarded to Taft Middle-School teacher Mr. Ambler, and the Washington Redskins change their names to the D.C. Redskins. It's the week of October 11, 2013.
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- Title
- Kanye West Confirms He's Working On New Solo Child
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The controversial mega-star has hinted that his upcoming newborn will be stripped down, experimental, and deeply personal.
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- Title
- Chipmunk's Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Highlighting the small woodland creature's ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans.
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- Title
- Petty, Shortsighted Americans Outraged At Legislature That Represents Them Perfectly
- Runtime
- 2:45
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- A group of hostages are freed after a tense 7-minute stand up set, the last thing a government worker needed was his agency to label him 'non-essential,' and David Bowie asks Iman if they should just do lasagna again. It's the week of October 3, 2013.
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- Title
- Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set
- Runtime
- 2:02
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- A group of 35 hostages at Laugh-Up Lounge on West Broad Street in Richmond, VA were set free Wednesday night following a tense, often excruciating seven-minute standup comedy performance.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Gravity'
- Runtime
- 3:35
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Gravity' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Gameological Society: VHS star and joystick master Pete Strackmeier puts you in touch with the Wii U
- Runtime
- 4:01
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Are you at peace with your Nintendo video game consoles? Veteran gamer Pete Strackmeier (of The Onion's sister publication, Gameological Society) helps you get in "touch" with your Wii U with his Living-Room Video-Game University.
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- Title
- Story Of Small Businessman Struggling Under Obama Administration Draws To Close
- Runtime
- 1:29
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
As the finale of Breaking Bad draws near, we take a look back at the series that highlighted the heavy toll Barack Obama's policies have taken on entrepreneurs like Walter White.
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- Title
- Ted Cruz Fills Few Hours Of Marathon Speech With Rousing Pro-Obamacare Argument
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The world's insect leaders meet at the G20,000,000,000 Summit, a bullied 8th grader incorrectly thought classmates would leave him alone during a field trip to the 9/11 memorial, and a man experiencing his first real moment of peace in years is resuscitated. It's the week of September 27, 2013.
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- Title
- Man Who Has Something Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Upon reviewing his public profile on the dating website OKCupid, local man Malcolm Lighty, 34, told reporters Thursday that he had decided to omit the fact that he has profound and irresolvable psychological and emotional problems.
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- Title
- The Onion Refuses To Cover The Click Bait That Is The Federal Reserve Chairman Nomination Process
- Runtime
- 2:33
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Obama meets with the America's schizophrenic voices to urge less violence, a 250-pound man is sadly in the best shape of his life, and a new study finds the average American scoots over at least 10 miles per year. It's the week of September 20, 2013.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Jaws'
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at the 1975 thriller 'Jaws' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Area Man Unsure If He's Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone's Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.
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- Title
- Tough Season - The Draft - Season 1, Ep. 2 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 4:21
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Larry Fitzgerald anxiously waits to find out which fantasy team he'll play for this year, while coach Brad Blevins tries not to panic over his first round pick. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Small Town Throws Pride Parade For Only Gay Resident
- Runtime
- 1:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- In Focus: WONN5 reports that hundreds turned out to support Pennington's single gay resident Paul Webster.
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- Title
- Anthony Weiner Announces Bid For Whatever's Left
- Runtime
- 2:27
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Apple unveils a panicked man with no ideas, Bashar Al-Assad tries a tiny bit of sarin gas on himself to see what it's like, and a billboard alerts commuters to the existence of a situational comedy starring stand-up comedian Jerry Seinfeld. It's the week of September 13, 2013.
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- Title
- College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate's Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food
- Runtime
- 1:09
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Following the tragic death of Clemson University sophomore Ben Pruett, surviving roommate Ryan Greene decided to honor the deceased student's memory Thursday by solemnly eating all of his perishable foods.
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- Title
- Nation Throws Giant Temper Tantrum Upon Learning Syria Is Complex, Nuanced Issue
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- A jellyfish falls short of its dream to kill Diana Nyad, a study shows the average person becomes an unhinged psychotic when behind closed doors, and Bruce Springsteen is on the fence about playing Bashar al-Assad's birthday gig. It's the week of September 6, 2013.
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- Title
- Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House
- Runtime
- 1:45
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Citing a range of behavior that experts could only describe as "profoundly disturbed," a new study released by Cornell University's psychology department Thursday revealed that most otherwise normal people transform into complete psychotics when alone in the confines of their own homes.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Fantasy Draft Preparation - Season 1, Ep. 1 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 4:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Fantasy coach Brad Blevins meets with NFL star Matt Forte in preparation for what Brad hopes will be his team's first ever championship season. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
Watch Episode 2 Now: http://onion.com/15BVu0V
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- Title
- Nation Annoyed About Having To Spend Long Weekend Away From Work
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation's single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019. It's the week of August 26, 2013.
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- Title
- CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them
- Runtime
- 1:27
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Preview
- Runtime
- 0:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad's Awesome Team.
Watch Episode 1 Now: http://onion.com/1dnkIC9
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- Title
- Dan Savage Successfully Undergoes Gay Conversion Therapy
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull. It's the week of August 19, 2013.
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- Title
- Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels
- Runtime
- 1:53
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- A troubling new report from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services revealed Thursday that fewer than 4 percent of American children have a strong male supermodel in their lives.
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- Title
- Cases Of Shaken Manchild Syndrome On The Rise
- Runtime
- 2:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- While frustrated parents may feel driven to violently shake their video game-playing grown children who still live at home, it can have serious medical consequences. Ben Stiller also weighs in on the issue.
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- Title
- Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink
- Runtime
- 2:36
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.
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- Title
- Hundreds Dead In Egypt's Inspiring March Toward Democracy
- Runtime
- 2:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins' name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue. It's the week of August 16, 2013.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Lee Daniels' The Butler'
- Runtime
- 2:43
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Lee Daniels' The Butler' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This
- Runtime
- 1:10
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.
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- Title
- Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not To Find His Missing Little Brother
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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The Onion News Network's Karen Christopher takes you Beyond The Facts, ripping open the chest of news to get to the heart of the story.
On this episode, Beyond The Facts talks to the family of missing toddler Aaron Crawford, whose older brother hopes he never comes home.
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- Title
- Back Of Library Smells Like Weed
- Runtime
- 1:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Library patrons in Pennington, IL report that something definitely smells like weed back in the young adult section.
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- Title
- Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard
- Runtime
- 1:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking about it real hard.
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- Title
- Black Part Of Town Moves Across Town
- Runtime
- 1:51
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Pennington, IL's only African-American family moves to the other side of town, causing residents to reminisce about the "Black part of town."
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- Title
- Fans Flock To Lollapalooza To See All Of The Biggest Brands
- Runtime
- 1:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Music lovers are in Chicago's Grant Park this weekend to engage with all of the hottest companies and corporate sponsors targeting their demographic.
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- Title
- Report: Economy Just One Speech Away From Recovery
- Runtime
- 3:03
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The Onion Review: Week of July 29, 2013
Dick Van Dyke finally confesses to the Zodiac killings, the open dialogue two Americans are having about race is pretty hilarious, and a fucking loser is at a movie all by himself.
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- Title
- Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times
- Runtime
- 2:15
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.
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- Title
- A Recap Of This Week's Royal Baby Coverage
- Runtime
- 3:22
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Royal baby speaks his first words, an unambitious loser with a happy, fulfilling life still lives in his hometown, and a pool owner has a bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow. It's the week of July 22, 2013.
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- Title
- Economists: People Who Paint Selves And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year
- Runtime
- 1:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in public spaces make, on average, $10 million per year.
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- Title
- The Gameological Society June Digest: The Last Of Us
- Runtime
- 10:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- The Last Of Us is a rare game that earns its slow start, and in the first episode of this month's chat-'n'-chew extravaganza, The Gamelogical Society's Drew Toal and John Teti talk about why that is.
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- Title
- Candlelight Vigil Held For Legal System
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The nation throws its hands up and tells black teens to be careful out there, J.K. Rowling is revealed to be the pseudonym of Newt Gingrich, and the FBI is offering $1 million for any information on cheetahs. It's the week of July 18, 2013.
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- Title
- FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact them immediately in return for a one million dollar reward.
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- Title
- Keep Your Heart Rate Up By Staring At A Bald Man Wearing Goggles - Dr. Good - Ep 11
- Runtime
- 4:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
It's all about cardiovascular health on today's Dr. Good. Get that heart rate up by looking at a disturbing bald man wearing goggles. Plus, see the Perfect Human enter the realm of the living. It's a breath-taking season finale to the show that keeps you alive.
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- Title
- U.S. Border Patrol Increases Staff By Hiring Cheap Immigrant Labor
- Runtime
- 2:53
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Red Roof Inn announces its new Suicidal Suite, the FBI can't bring themselves to bust a guy torrenting every season of 'Picket Fences,' and zoo visitors watch the mating rituals of the ice cream shop staff. It's the week of July 12, 2013.
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