The Onion
BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead In Coors Light Party Train Crash
- Title
- BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead In Coors Light Party Train Crash
- Runtime
- 1:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The frost-powered train toppled over, killing hundreds of partiers on its way to deliver ice-cold refreshment to a boring, overheated barbeque.
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- Title
- McDonald's - 'And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?'
- Runtime
- 1:08
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Would you yourself deny beef? Would beef deny itself of you? The flesh calls for you; it implores you to fill your mouth with beef.
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- Title
- Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year Investigation
- Runtime
- 2:11
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
After years of painstaking research, the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth found that John Kerry was entirely honest about his military accomplishments.
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- Title
- Blanket Of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not A Total Shithole
- Runtime
- 2:11
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A new teen trend 'walking wet and nude' couldn't have caught on at a worse time, a man unknowingly purchases a lifetime supply of condoms, and astudy proves this descended from wolves.
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- Title
- NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because 'They Miss Football So Much'
- Runtime
- 2:15
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A new study from the NFL's Head, Neck, and Spine committee finds that giving up the slam-bang action of football can lead to serious depression, violence, and suicide.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'E.T.'
- Runtime
- 3:11
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'E.T.' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard
- Runtime
- 1:23
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
From The Archives: Jim and Tracy throw to a local weatherman who reports it sure is windy as shit today.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Championship - Season 1, Ep. 8 (Brought To You By Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 5:55
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- In the final week of the season, Brad loses his confidence and it's up to Andrew Luck and Matt Forte to motivate their coach.
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Last Minute Holiday Shopping
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Christmas is almost here, but it's still not too late to buy gifts for your loved ones. Here are The Onion's tips for last minute holiday shopping.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'It's A Wonderful Life'
- Runtime
- 3:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at the holiday classic 'It's A Wonderful Life' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas
- Runtime
- 1:49
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
From The Archives: The nation's poor get to experience true Christmas spirit, while the wealthy, burdened by shopping and party obligations, are left out in the cold.
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- Title
- John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
From The Archives: Financial markets were thrown into chaos and consumer confidence plunged to its lowest level in decades Tuesday following the commercial release of This Christmas, a new holiday album by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John that economists confirmed had thrust the nation into a severe double-dip recession.
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- Title
- Onion Year In Review
- Runtime
- 3:36
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Gorilla sales skyrocketed following the latest gorilla attack, Nelson Mandela became the first politician to be missed, and the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage saying "Sure, who cares?" The Onion looks back at the news stories that shaped 2013.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug'
- Runtime
- 3:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Decorating A Christmas Tree
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The holiday season is already here, but your new Christmas tree still doesn't quite have that festive look. Here are The Onion's tips for decorating your Christmas tree.
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- Title
- Race For Oscar Heats Up As Tom Hanks Traps Robert Redford In Cellar
- Runtime
- 1:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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Hollywood's hottest stars are pulling out all the stops, creatively murdering their fellow actors to try and snag Oscar gold!
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- Title
- Season 1 - Brad's Had Better Days, But Alfred Morris Is Ready To Help (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:16
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Brad play for a championship on a new epsiode of Tough Season! http://onion.com/1iPgL7v
Brad knows what it takes to inspire his fantasy players to put up big numbers. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Tough Season - Playoffs - Season 1, Ep. 7 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 5:09
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch the latest episode of Tough Season now! http://onion.com/1iPgL7v
Desperate to beat his arch-rival, Harris, Brad makes Alfred Morris feel like a part of the family before taking to the field to teach Andrew Luck how to throw a perfect spiral. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Would Watch Something Called 'Love Trap'
- Runtime
- 2:49
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS. It's the week of December 6, 2013.
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- Title
- Season 1 - Matt Forte, Alfred Morris, and Antonio Brown Get Nicknames (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch the latest episode of Tough Season now http://onion.com/19NuOZl
Brad knows that the first step to fantasy victory is giving his players awesome nicknames. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Slow-Witted Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Government Behind NASA
- Runtime
- 1:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Calling it the most scandalous cover-up of the past half century, dim-witted conspiracy theorist Daniel Burgess told reporters Thursday he believes the U.S. government has, for years, been clandestinely exercising total control over the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
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- Title
- Bloomberg Defends NYPD's Controversial Stop And Kiss Program
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The outgoing mayor continues to stand by the police's routine kissing of New York citizens.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Statistically Eliminated - Season 1, Ep. 6 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 4:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch the latest episode of Tough Season now! http://onion.com/ICiXE7
After being statistically eliminated from the playoffs, Brad is ready to give up fantasy football forever until Matt Forte reminds him that it's not too late to ruin the fantasy season for all the other owners.(Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Season 1 - Brad Fantasizes About Winning Fantasy Coach Of The Year (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:32
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch the latest episode of Tough Season: http://onion.com/I5zUHm
Brad discusses his ideal Pro Bowl coaching strategy with Antonio Brown (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- FAA Issues Holiday Reminder That Planes Can Crash And Kill You
- Runtime
- 1:43
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In advance of a busy holiday season, the FAA has offered helpful tips to deal with the fact that any airplane can crash and kill you at any time.
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- Title
- Season 1 - Brad Gets Matt Forte Pumped For A Big Match Up (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:14
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch the latest episode of Tough Season: http://onion.com/I5zUHm
To prepare for a match up against his arch-rival, Brad needs to motivate his star running back. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Helpless Typhoon Articles Cling To Life On Edge Of Reader's Consciousness
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The White House announces Sasha Obama will now be played by Britney Watkins, a Buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on the West, and an open floor plan increases an office shooter's productivity by 95 percent. It's the week of November 22, 2013.
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- Title
- Man Doesn't Know How Parents Ever Going To Pay Off Massive Student Loan Debt
- Runtime
- 1:15
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Recent Wesleyan University graduate Zach Wallace confided to reporters Thursday that he has no clue how his parents are supposed to earn enough money to settle his $40,000 in student loan debt.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire'
- Runtime
- 2:57
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Tough Season - Waiver Wire - Season 1, Ep. 5 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 4:45
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Episode 6 now: http://onion.com/I5zUHm
Brad has to make a tough decision between starting Larry Fitzgerald and Alfred Morris. Jack's Team drops Andrew Luck to the waiver wire. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West
- Runtime
- 0:51
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.
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- Title
- Christina Aguilera Tour Canceled Due To Fan Exhaustion
- Runtime
- 1:10
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The pop star's national tour came to an abrupt halt this week as fans said they just didn't have the energy to watch Aguilera perform.
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Succeeding As A Woman In The Workplace
- Runtime
- 1:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
For women starting a new job, it can be difficult to navigate a male-dominated office environment. Here are The Onion's tips for succeeding as a woman in the workplace.
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- Title
- Seasons Turn Gracefully From The One That Kills Old People To The One That Kills Homeless People
- Runtime
- 2:47
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter. It's the week of November 14, 2013.
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- Title
- Area Man Lacks Star Power Necessary To Carry Major Motion Picture
- Runtime
- 1:41
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Noting that the 37-year-old does not possess the looks, charisma, talent, or name recognition of a successful leading man, Hollywood insiders agreed Thursday that local account manager Dennis Kerning's star power is not sufficient to carry a major motion picture.
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- Title
- Season 1 - Brad Reminds Antonio Brown Not To Discuss Upcoming Matchup (Brought To You By Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:18
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Episode 5 of Tough Season now: http://onion.com/19Nve1S
Coach Brad has an important conversation with his incredibly handsome wide receiver. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- Twitter IPO Price Drops After Investors Realize It Means Partly Owning Jeremy's Feed
- Runtime
- 2:54
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A report shows that Americans lead the world in compressing big sandwiches so they're biteable, Paul Hogan admits he's still searching for that one career-defining role, and a giant burrito is going to solve all of an area man's problems for three precious minutes. It's the week of November 8, 2013.
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- Title
- Report: American People Lead World In Compressing Big Sandwiches So They're Bitable
- Runtime
- 1:29
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A new report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center has found that Americans lead the world in their ability to take very large sandwiches into their hands and crush them until they are small enough to fit inside the human mouth.
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- Title
- Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to do anything about them.
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- Title
- Hollywood's Biggest Stars Rally To Save Their Children
- Runtime
- 1:43
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie are helping to raise awareness for their suffering children who grow up without a chance for a normal life.
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- Title
- Tough Season - Overconfidence - Season 1, Ep. 4 (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 3:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Episode 5 of Tough Season now: http://onion.com/1iPgL7v
Going up against the weakest team in the league, Brad tells Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald, and Alfred Morris not to work too hard. But when the tide turns against him, Brad is forced to beg kicker Mason Crosby for a big game. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Fall Fashion
- Runtime
- 1:43
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Here are The Onion's tips for staying stylish this fall.
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- Title
- FAA Shocked They Made Lead Story Of This Week's Onion Review
- Runtime
- 2:56
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Centers for Disease Contraction urges Americans to suck doorknobs, a suburban mom wows her family with her most androgynous look yet, and a Red Sox fan dedicates the garbage can he is lighting on fire to the Boston Marathon victims. It's the week of November 1, 2013.
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- Title
- Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob
- Runtime
- 1:46
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.
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- Title
- How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume
- Runtime
- 1:51
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
From The Archives: On Today Now!, Tracy employs the help of an expert to get her own son to remove his filthy Spider-Man costume.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'The Shining'
- Runtime
- 3:41
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at the horror classic 'The Shining' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- A.V. Club Pop Pilgrims: Twilight kept a struggling town on Washington's Olympic Peninsula afloat
- Runtime
- 4:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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The Twilight series hasn't just affected Meyer and her army of teen girl readers. It's trickled up and down—to those girls' moms, to older women and men looking for something soapy to read, and to the town of Forks, Washington, where the series is set.
While Meyer had never been to the little town—population 3,692—before she wrote Twilight, the timber town has since become one of the biggest tourist attractions on Washington's Olympic Peninsula
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- Title
- Season 1 - Brad Starts A Video Chat With Mason Crosby By Accident (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 1:10
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Watch Episode 4 of Tough Season now: http://onion.com/19Nve1S
Brad wants to talk to his star wide receiver, but he must have pressed the wrong button or something. (Brought to you by Lenovo)
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- Title
- White House Thrilled With Record Number Of People Who Thought They Signed Up For Healthcare
- Runtime
- 2:50
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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Obama announces the start of the annual D.C. Spooktacular, a weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water, and a 5-year-old reluctantly lets his crying mother sleep in his bed again.
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- Title
- Wes Anderson Reteams With Favorite Objects For 'Grand Budapest Hotel'
- Runtime
- 0:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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Fans are excited for the director to be working with long-time favorite objects like magnifying glasses, bells and old trains again.
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