The Onion
The Onion Reviews 'Noah'
- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Noah'
- Runtime
- 3:21
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Noah' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Putin Not Ruling Out Military Response To Continued International Diplomacy
- Runtime
- 2:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell. It's the week of March 21, 2014.
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- Title
- Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking
- Runtime
- 1:33
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a Gallup report published Tuesday, over 95 percent of the nation's grandfathers began their careers by walking straight into a place of business, saying "I'm the man for the job," and receiving a position right there on the spot.
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- Title
- This App Turns Your Photos into Music If You Want to Do That For Some Reason
- Runtime
- 3:36
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Tech CEO Thomas Fisk started with a simple goal: make an app that turns one thing into another thing. He says his new service PicSong can do just that. (Brought To You By HBO's Silicon Valley)
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- Title
- Teens Migrating From Facebook To Comments Section Of Slow-Motion Deer Video
- Runtime
- 2:01
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Trendwatchers say more and more teens are leaving Facebook and Twitter in favor of the comments section on a YouTube video of a deer running in slow motion.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Divergent'
- Runtime
- 3:15
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Divergent' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon
- Runtime
- 2:11
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a study published Tuesday by sociologists at Princeton University, slapping every single person in a grocery store and then baring one's genitalia in the produce department remains an act roundly frowned upon by modern society.
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- Title
- Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick's Day Parade
- Runtime
- 0:54
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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St. Patrick's Day celebrations kicked off in Boston yesterday when Mayor Marty Walsh landed the annual first blow on hometown celebrity Donnie Wahlberg.
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- Title
- Samsung Releases New Big Fucking TV
- Runtime
- 2:57
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald's is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.
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- Title
- Report: Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. Is God Needing Another Angel
- Runtime
- 1:25
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Department of Health and Human Services released their long-awaited report clarifying that nearly every death is directly linked to our Heavenly Lord needing our deceased love ones up in Heaven.
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- Title
- Scientists Confirm Statues Humans' Closest Nonliving Relative
- Runtime
- 1:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species' nearest nonliving relatives.
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- Title
- Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New 'Loyalty Goes Both Ways' Campaign
- Runtime
- 1:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The friendly airline says that while they're proud to have the most loyal customers in the business, it's time to find out what their customers are willing to do for them.
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- Title
- Obama Proposes $4 Trillion Piece Of Empty Rhetoric
- Runtime
- 3:03
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window. It's the week of March 7, 2014.
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- Title
- Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education
- Runtime
- 2:09
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Calling it the most valuable decision he will ever make, the parents of local 22-year-old Patrick Tobin reportedly advised their son this week to fully devote himself to pursuing an improv comedy education.
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- Title
- 12-Year-Old Couldn't Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox
- Runtime
- 1:17
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Despite having spent eight of the last 10 days in his classmate's living room playing Xbox alongside him, local 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters Wednesday that he couldn't even venture a guess as to what the boy's name is.
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- Title
- New Marijuana Study Confirms Everyone Knows You're High And You Will Be Stoned Forever
- Runtime
- 1:26
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Additional coverage: http://onion.com/1gP7gFy
The nation's top researchers concluded that you can't hide how stoned you are and that you should be freaking out if you aren't already.
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- Title
- Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do
- Runtime
- 0:43
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The 'Dallas Buyers Club' star used his speech to thank the profession of acting for being a fun, easy job that everyone should try.
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- Title
- Members Of Academy Can't Imagine What Would Happen If They Ever Selected Wrong Best Picture
- Runtime
- 3:26
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Expressing a deeply held political opinion is referred to as a 'gaffe,' the Reverend Al Sharpton takes time off from his holy duties to make a TV appearance, and the Empire State Building reopens its spire to visitors. It's the week of February 28, 2014.
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- Title
- The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition
- Runtime
- 3:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal picks his Oscar favorites in this week's special edition of the Film Standard.
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- Title
- Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn't Be That Hard To Rob
- Runtime
- 1:35
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn't actually be all that hard.
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- Title
- Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks
- Runtime
- 2:17
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
We get all the latest Hollywood gossip from a boy who definitely knows what sex is and how it works.
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- Title
- New Report Shows Record Year For Births Of Test Tube Abominations
- Runtime
- 3:18
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat. It's the week of February 21, 2014.
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- Title
- Sochi's Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics
- Runtime
- 0:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
As the games wind down, officials are already starting to return the dead strays to the streets they once called home.
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- Title
- SHOCKER: SNL Kills Off Beloved Seth Meyers Character (Brought To You By Late Night With Seth Meyers)
- Runtime
- 1:47
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Brought to you by Late Night With Seth Meyers, StarFix reports on fans saying farewell to popular Saturday Night Live character Seth Meyers, who was killed off in a suspenseful twist-filled episode.
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- Title
- Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time
- Runtime
- 2:01
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Local couple Alison Fry and Peter Hartman told reporters Thursday they have both been pleased since opening up their relationship, saying the exciting new arrangement allowed them the freedom to psychologically wear down other people.
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Healthy Eating
- Runtime
- 1:49
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The food you eat greatly impacts how you feel on a daily basis, but starting a new healthy lifestyle can be difficult. Here are The Onion's tips for healthy eating.
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- Title
- Netflix Introduces New 'Browse Endlessly' Plan
- Runtime
- 1:20
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The inexpensive new plan lets users just browse all the titles and posters they want for just five dollars a month.
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- Title
- Sheltered Suburban School Already Knows They're Going To Fuck Up Black History Month
- Runtime
- 3:30
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
An Olympian has always dreamed of one day having fun with friends, the nation's girlfriends admit that absolutely everything's riding on Valentines Day, and a keyboard's second row is a veritable who's who of special punctuation characters. It's the week of February 14, 2014.
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- Title
- Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Though 48 years old and employed full time waiting tables at a New American bistro, local man Phillip Ames sadly does not spend his downtime working on any creative side projects, sources reported Thursday.
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- Title
- Actor Shows Incredible Lack Of Commitment To Role By Staying Out Of Character Even During Takes
- Runtime
- 2:01
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Colin Farrell's co-stars in 'A Winter's Tale' praise the actor's signature technique of staying out of character between takes and while the cameras were rolling.
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- Title
- Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other
- Runtime
- 2:48
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Take a look inside the dorms, restaurants, and gymnasiums where these modern day gods and goddesses go crazy on each other's perfect bodies.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'RoboCop'
- Runtime
- 3:10
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion Film Standard returns with a review of 'RoboCop'"
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- Title
- United States Settles .000000012% Of China Debt With Autographed Photo Of Jon Hamm
- Runtime
- 3:15
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
57 women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh fashion week, a frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a Bo look-alike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child's ventilator. It's the week of February 6, 2014.
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- Title
- Nation's Parents Release Annual Ranking Of Top 50 'Perfectly Good' State Schools
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The list includes dozens of totally fine schools where students can learn all the same things they'd learn at one of those expensive colleges on the East Coast.
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- Title
- Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
- Runtime
- 2:14
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
From The Archives: Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.
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- Title
- Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
- Runtime
- 1:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men—if you can still even call them men—are choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children.
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- Title
- Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings
- Runtime
- 1:13
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Days before he was set to relocate to Denver for work, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden lamented Wednesday that he never really took the time to detest the city he called home for nearly half a decade.
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- Title
- Russia Applauds America's Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports
- Runtime
- 3:13
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
ONN International, Russian Bureau: Vladimir Putin officially thanked the United States this week for their "rich history of making gay athletes feel unsafe and unwelcome.
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- Title
- Media Company Lays Off Dozens Of Unskilled Bloggers
- Runtime
- 3:09
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A dad delivers his State of the Union rebuttal directly into the television screen, a new program provides depressed Americans with suicide prevention dogs, and the surgeon general advises being 19 years old with 100 bucks in your pocket and your whole life in front of you. It's the week of January 31, 2014
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- Title
- New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool
- Runtime
- 1:26
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Doctors at Johns Hopkins have completed a ten-year study, determining that bones are the coolest part of the human body.
Doctors at Johns Hopkins have completed a ten-year study, determining that bones are the coolest part of the human body.
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- Title
- Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night
- Runtime
- 2:00
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The nation remained in a state of fear and panic this afternoon, following confirmed reports that hundreds of millions of Americans—nearly the entire population of the country—had fully and inexplicably lost consciousness for eight hours last night.
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- Title
- Increasingly Worried Man Hasn't Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
- Runtime
- 1:28
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Higstrom is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday.
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- Title
- Spookiest Halloween Sound Effects Album Grammy Goes To Lord Chillingsworth
- Runtime
- 1:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
It was a big night for first-time Grammy winner Lord Chillingsworth who picked up the coveted Spookiest Halloween Sound Effects Album trophy.
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- Title
- 24-Hour News Cycle Seems Like It's Taking Forever
- Runtime
- 2:56
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication. It's the week of January 24, 2014.
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- Title
- Nation's Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to "burn their gumlines," millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of the lunatic diet.
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- Title
- Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance
- Runtime
- 1:17
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Just two weeks after being laid off from the tech firm where he worked as a coder, 46-year-old Sam Morrison told sources Monday that he had finally achieved the perfect work-life balance.
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- Title
- BREAKING: Dogs Running
- Runtime
- 1:01
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Across the country, all dogs are now running as fast as they can.
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- Title
- Horrific Wall Street Allegations Reveal Junior Bankers Forced To Survive On $6,800 Per Week
- Runtime
- 2:49
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Japan grants suffrage to female robots, Obama announces he isn't ruling out taking U.S. military action on Congress, and a hypochondriac maple tree is always convinced it has Asian Longhorn Beetles. It's the week of January 17, 2014.
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- Title
- Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She's Not Interested In Him
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Evidently undertaking the next maneuver in her endless series of bewildering mind games, infinitely perplexing woman Haley Mueller cryptically told Pete Summers Friday evening that she wasn't interested in dating him.
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- Title
- Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation
- Runtime
- 2:41
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a study published Monday in 'The New England Journal Of Medicine', the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while an individual is masturbating.
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