The Onion
Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
- Title
- Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Contradicting the long-held belief that they would just go off and destroy anyone who tried to mess with them, a Department of Health and Human Services report published Thursday revealed that U.S. males would be on average 4,000 percent less effective in a fight than they imagine.
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- Title
- Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.
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- Title
- Who's Fucking: Josh and Debra
- Runtime
- 2:14
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In the debut episode of Who's Fucking, Josh and Debra tell the remarkable story of how they first met, fell in love, and started fucking.
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- Title
- Who's Fucking: Isaac and Doris
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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Isaac and Doris first met 55 years ago and they've fucked each and everyday since.
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- Title
- Comcast Executive's One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers
- Runtime
- 1:36
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The cable giant continues to reshape the media landscape, bundling company Vice President Brandon Graves' interpretive character showcase with all cable and Internet packages.
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- Title
- Nation's Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
- Runtime
- 1:30
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation's Blakes.
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- Title
- New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks
- Runtime
- 2:27
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Wellness experts say curling up in a ball on the floor is the healthiest way to deal with the non-stop agony of the workday.
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- Title
- The Onion Review -- Week Of June 6, 2014
- Runtime
- 2:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
New EPA regulations force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030, President Obama already knows who he's going to tear apart in his memoir, and parents at a graduation celebrate their child's last accomplishment. It's the week of June 6, 2014.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'
- Runtime
- 3:44
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
- Runtime
- 2:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In an effort to reach out to first-time paper towel users, Procter & Gamble introduced a beginner series of its Bounty paper towel brand Tuesday specifically designed to assist novices in acclimating to the household cleaning product.
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- Title
- New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The new LifePoint function distills each user's mistakes into one easy-to-find moment when their lives irrevocably took a turn for the worse.
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- Title
- The Onion Review -- Week Of May 30, 2014
- Runtime
- 2:16
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there's no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is pretty thrilled about recounting her assault to a faculty committee, and the nation's depressed individuals march on the Atlantic Ocean. It's the week of May 30, 2014.
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- Title
- Survey: Most Common Deathbed Regret Never Spraying Fire Extinguisher
- Runtime
- 2:08
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
According to a survey of hospice patients released Thursday by the Princeton Medical Institute, the most common regret of the dying is never having sprayed a fire extinguisher.
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- Title
- SPONSORED: New Video Game's Second-Person Shooter Mode Features Someone Just Describing Game To You
- Runtime
- 2:35
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The revolutionary second-person mode presents players with an authoritative voice describing the players' actions without any of the hassle of actual gameplay. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
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- Title
- The Onion Review -- Week Of May 23, 2014
- Runtime
- 2:26
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front. It's the week of May 23, 2014.
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- Title
- Christ, Article A Video
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Seeking a more humane method of carrying out capital punishment, Ohio's new machine yanks inmates heads from their bodies using painless, powerful robotic claws.
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- Title
- The Onion Review -- Week Of May 16th, 2014
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Congress splits into male and female senators to discuss the newest reproductive bill, a man feels guilty about chowing down at the 9/11 museum café, and extravagant new window blinds are inspired by the latest styles from Venice. It's the week of May 16, 2014.
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- Title
- High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job
- Runtime
- 1:23
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Noting that it would be nice to finally have a little spending cash on hand, both Pittsfield High School junior Marissa Klemp and chemistry teacher Rebecca Murphy applied for the same seasonal waitress position at a local diner, sources confirmed Thursday.
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Finding An Apartment
- Runtime
- 1:12
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Finding an apartment that fits your style and budget can be an overwhelming process. Here are The Onion's tips for finding an apartment.
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- Title
- Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Founding Fathers promised to return upon hearing the enchanted horn, but warned it should only be used in times of dire need. Is now the time?
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- Title
- SPONSORED: New Wolfenstein Game Lets Players Choose Which Country Won WWII
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The new Wolfenstein game lets players experience an immersive alternate reality in which France, Denmark, Canada or any other country of their choice won WWII, and now rules the world with an iron fist. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
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- Title
- Nation Successfully Completes Mother's Day By 9:18 A.M.
- Runtime
- 1:05
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The day-long holiday paying tribute to the ones who selflessly gave us life was successfully wrapped up nearly 20 minutes after it began.
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- Title
- The Onion Review -- Week Of May 9th, 2014
- Runtime
- 2:35
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can't change who you are, and a bodybuilder's veins are now outside of his skin. It's the week of May 9, 2014.
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- Title
- Study: Most Serial Killers Did Not Receive Toy Every Time They Went To Store As Kids
- Runtime
- 2:14
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A study published Thursday in The American Journal Of Criminal Psychology has found a nearly perfect statistical correlation between children who were denied a toy they wanted when visiting a store with their parents and the later development of homicidal behavior.
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- Title
- NASA Discovers This Planet, Planet Earth, Just Might Be What It's Been Searching For All Along
- Runtime
- 1:25
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
After years of launching shuttles, probes, and telescopes to see what the universe had to offer, NASA says it's ready to appreciate the planet right in front of it.
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- Title
- Hurricane Ashley Expected To Strike Several Bars This Cinco De Mayo
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
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The screaming whirlwind of drunkenness has been gathering strength all week and has already made a mess of herself in a number of local bars.
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- Title
- Donald Sterling Just Glad Tape Recorder Batteries Died Before He Got To The Real Shit
- Runtime
- 3:11
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A new census report reveals the U.S. has over 316 million nobodies, Carlos Santana surprises his wife with a coupon for a free 45-minute guitar solo, and Picasso's 'Guernica' triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 New York Rangers. It's the week of May 2, 2014.
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- Title
- Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Apologizing to customers for "any discomfort or searing of the flesh" on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Citizen Kane'
- Runtime
- 4:52
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Citizen Kane' in this week's Film Standard
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- Title
- Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.
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- Title
- Superstitious Delta Airlines Adds Busty Mermaids To Plane Noses
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses. It's the week of April 25, 2014.
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- Title
- Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain
- Runtime
- 1:29
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Employees at Gillman's Hardware confirmed Monday that despite the company's small size, single location, and the fact that it has been family owned and operated for over 35 years, it still manages to treat its staff as if they worked at a faceless multinational chain.
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- Title
- Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten
- Runtime
- 1:33
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Full Story Here: http://onion.com/1iMzaW5
WASHINGTON—Forcing the grisly and rarely acknowledged practices into the public eye, a group of activists posted several disturbing videos online this week that expose how most meat products are eaten, sources confirmed.
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- Title
- Report: 14% Of Americans Now Intolerant To Word 'Gluten'
- Runtime
- 2:39
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it. It's the week of April 18, 2014.
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- Title
- George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him
- Runtime
- 1:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
President Bush has a new hobby -- painting! -- and he's showing off some new watercolors of the undead Iraqi boy who lives in his nightmares. Take a look at all the President's new artwork with the Onion News Network.
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- Title
- The Onion's Tips For Getting A Good Night's Sleep
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Being sleep deprived can tremendously impact your lifestyle on a day-to-day basis. Here are The Onion's tips for getting a good night's sleep.
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- Title
- SPONSORED: Barbed Wire Industry Protests Negative Portrayal In 'Evil Within' Video Game
- Runtime
- 1:46
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Representatives from barbed wire advocacy groups are up in arms over the fencing material's portrayal in a violent new video game. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
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- Title
- Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery
- Runtime
- 1:34
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- World's Best Contact Jugglers Converge At Coachella (Brought To You By AT&T)
- Runtime
- 2:07
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The festival kicked off this weekend with enthusiastic performances from legendary contact jugglers like Mr. Tomorrow, Mysteria, and Chad Braunstein.(Brought To You By AT&T)
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- Title
- Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms
- Runtime
- 1:42
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Saying that spontaneity is key to spicing up a marriage, local couple Dale and Barbara Patterson told reporters Wednesday they've kept their relationship interesting over the years by bickering in a variety of different positions and even different rooms.
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- Title
- Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene In Fellow Researcher Carl
- Runtime
- 0:59
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- "It's in his butt," say researchers.
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- Title
- Landmark Supreme Court Decision Lets Americans Cram Cash Directly Into Politicians' Mouths
- Runtime
- 2:13
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The U.S. currency finally achieves universal suffrage, Forbes releases the 2014 list of the most punchable CEOs, and a smooth operator is also a forklift operator. It's the week of April 4, 2014.
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- Title
- The Onions Tips For Nailing A Job Interview
- Runtime
- 1:34
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Interviewing for a new job can often be a stressful, intimidating experience. Here are The Onion's tips for nailing a job interview.
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- Title
- Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Citing factors ranging from the dumb, ugly asteroid belt separating the terrestrial planets from the gas giants, to the super-boring and practically empty interstellar medium extending in nearly every direction, new research published Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union has concluded that Earth is located in "by far the lamest" region of the observable universe.
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- Title
- Maximize Your Brainpower By Firing Every Neuron At Once
- Runtime
- 4:03
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
What could you do with more brainpower? Inventor and neurologist Gene Curlew introduces a revolutionary device that unlocks the full power of the human brain.
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- Title
- Your Insides Are Like A Paper Bag Of Smashed Tomatoes - Dr. Good - Ep. 1
- Runtime
- 4:45
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video
Join America's favorite doctors as they replicate the indeterminate mash that is your internal organs with three common household items. Time to better understand your insides!
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- Title
- Michelle Obama Introduces Exercise Program To Combat Obesity In Professional Baseball Players
- Runtime
- 1:58
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The First Lady launched the "Take The Field" initiative this week, encouraging Major League baseball players to get active and eat a healthy diet.
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- Title
- Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR
- Runtime
- 1:56
- Date posted
- 13 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Reeling in the wake of sudden, unthinkable tragedy, members of the Talbott family were reportedly left struggling to pick up the pieces Thursday night after an unexpected hard drive crash erased everything they had stored on their digital video recorder.
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