The Onion
Lazy, Illiterate Pulitzer Board Should At Least Be Able To Watch This Fucking Video Recap
- Title
- Lazy, Illiterate Pulitzer Board Should At Least Be Able To Watch This Fucking Video Recap
- Runtime
- 1:40
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- After a week of meritorious writing, reporting, and public service from America's Finest News Source, the hard-working men and women at The Onion provide a concise multimedia roundup for the witless apes who award the Pulitzer Prize.
- Title
- Joad Cressbeckler: Homosexuality A Necessity On Cold Mountaintops
- Runtime
- 3:41
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad explains how the harsh conditions in mining camps can require two men becoming one.
- Title
- A.V. Club Pop Pilgrims: Seattle - Kurt Cobain Park
- Runtime
- 3:16
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Are you a bad person for wanting to see where Kurt Cobain died? And not just died, but violently took his own life after a long, sad battle with depression and drug addiction? Short answer: No. Longer answer: No, as long as you don't trespass or misbehave. The house at 171 Lake Washington Blvd. East—more specifically, the benches in park next to it—is all Nirvana fans have. Cobain has no grave and, until April of this year, no memorial. (His hometown of Aberdeen, Washington, erected a statue in his honor by the famous Young Street Bridge.) After Cobain's suicide in early April of 1994, fans flocked to Viretta Park, and 17 years later, they still do by the thousands every year. Even Google Maps calls it "Kurt Cobain Park."
- Title
- AFAJP Celebrity Testimonials
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The Onion has been humbled by the work of Americans For Fairness In Awarding Journalism Prizes, who used the week of our 1,000th issue to launch a grassroots campaign to get America's Finest News Source a Pulitzer Prize.
- Title
- Demand an #OnionPulitzer: A message from Americans For Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://youtube.com/afajponline and http://afajp.org
This week, The Onion celebrates its 1,000th issue. We are proud, not only of our journalistic accomplishments, but also of the high praise heaped upon us by our readers. While we normally disdain any acknowledgment of the unwashed masses who keep our advertisers in business, we are humbled by the efforts of AFAJP to recognize our unique and valuable coverage with a demand for a Pulitzer Prize. If you feel similarly, we urge you to support this selfless and wise organization.
- Title
- "Green Lantern" A Superhero We All Know And Love, Says Studio
- Runtime
- 1:58
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.
- Title
- A.V. Club Pop Pilgrims: The Texas Chain Saw... family restaurant?
- Runtime
- 3:36
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- People typically chuckle when they hear the Texas Chain Saw Massacre house is now a restaurant, and with good reason: The site of one of the most grotesque, unnerving dinner scenes in horror-movie history now serves up (non-human) meat in a dining room that's homey, not horrifying. Well, not everyone chuckles: As owner Jeremy Lee explains in this episode of Pop Pilgrims, he receives the occasional e-mail from people who think the house was the site of actual murders.
Those people are mistaken, but not necessarily crazy; the text underneath the title on the original movie poster certainly hinted at reality—"What happened is true. Now the motion picture that's just as real"—and elements of Leatherface's character were inspired by real-life serial killer Ed Gein. At the top of texaschainsawmassacre.net—the comprehensive fan site run by Pop Pilgrims guest Tim Harden—there's a giant link at the top of the home page saying "DID THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE REALLY HAPPEN...
- Title
- Today Now!: Save Money By Taking A Vacation Entirely In Your Mind
- Runtime
- 2:28
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.
- Title
- National Dating Standards Lowered
- Runtime
- 1:30
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Ridiculous Killer Robots
- Runtime
- 5:39
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- And so it comes to an end, our 20-week experiment with Inventory: The Video. We had a really fun time making these, and hope you enjoyed them, too. They might be back at some point in the future, we'll see. As the old saying goes, "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives." Speaking of silly movies, today we present Ridiculous Killer Robots--the type you're probably not all that scared of, that might make you giggle before crushing or stabbing you to death. It was inspired by this Inventory piece from 2009, which you should totally go read. If you don't, Tobor might ineptly try to kill you.
http://avclub.com/articles/no-tobor-no-16plus-ridiculous-killer-robots,28157/
- Title
- Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds
- Runtime
- 2:51
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.
- Title
- Shelby Cross Instructs Viewers To Build 'Justice Shed'
- Runtime
- 3:20
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Shelby warns viewers they need a place to hold suspicious-looking characters the police are too lazy to arrest.
- Title
- A.V. Club Pop Pilgrims: Los Angeles - The Graduate church
- Runtime
- 5:50
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The final scenes of The Graduate are incredibly enduring: When Dustin Hoffman banged on the second-floor window of the United Methodist Church, he earned his place--and the movie--a spot in film history. For our second stop in Los Angeles, Pop Pilgrims took a tour of the little-changed church, guided by the current Pastor (and surprised by a churchgoer who was actually there back in 1967 when the movie was shot).
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Horrible Aging Makeup
- Runtime
- 5:24
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Here's an Inventory whose textual daddy you won't find online--only in our book, which you can buy for a penny on Amazon. It's all about the difficult process of making a young actor look old. Hollywood can make us believe that an alien is popping out of somebody's belly, or that somebody's limb has been realistically hacked off. But try and make James Dean or Robin Williams age 50 years, and you're pretty much screwed. Enjoy.
- Title
- Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films
- Runtime
- 2:46
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.
- Title
- Cash-Strapped PBS Releases Nova Special On Physics Behind Rhythmically Bouncing Breasts
- Runtime
- 1:38
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A load of mulch is dumped in a pretty ballsy location, a racehorse is unaware it just cost some kid new braces, and desperate PBS airs 'Nova: Boobs a' Bouncin''
- Title
- America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?
- Runtime
- 2:35
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Directors You Didn't Know You Hated
- Runtime
- 5:11
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Sure, you've never forgiven Joel Schumacher for Batman And Robin and know Uwe Boll's films will always stink. But what about those who make terrible movies in near-anonymity? And make them again and again? That's the subject of this week's video Inventory. And if the three filmmakers featured here aren't enough, be sure to visit the original piece that inspired it: http://avclub.com/articles/inventory-10-directors-you-didnt-know-you-hated,1961/
- Title
- Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
- Runtime
- 3:13
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.
- Title
- Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools ...NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle Ben. It's the week of May 9, 2011.
- Title
- Live: Congress Debates New Sex-Based American Dreams
- Runtime
- 1:43
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- "Sex With A B-List Celebrity" is just one of several proposals being proposed as the dead American Dream's replacement.
- Title
- Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The death of another human being is terrific news for once ... the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America, and old college friends perfectly recreate an epic night out. It's the week of May 2, 2011.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Fictional Drugs
- Runtime
- 5:23
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Even in the wild world of recreational drug use, sometimes the real thing just isn't enough. Sometimes writers need to imagine a narcotic with new effects--or new combinations of effects--to suit their needs. In this week's Inventory, we explore Glint, Spank, and Melange. To read about those and 15 more, you can visit the original article from which this episode is derived. Seriously, visit, it's fun. http://avclub.com/articles/dont-bogart-that-jenkem-18-fictional-drugs,2234/
- Title
- Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
- Title
- Predator Drone TR425 Takes The Stand
- Runtime
- 1:05
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- FactZone obtains an audio recording of military prosecutors cross-examining the disturbingly emotionless drone.
- Title
- Predator Drone Court-Martialed For Afghani Civilian Deaths
- Runtime
- 1:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Military officials make an example of the TR425 Predator Drone which fired on an Afghan wedding last September.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Great Films Too Painful To Watch Twice
- Runtime
- 5:30
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Okay, as Scott Tobias would be quick to point out, these are great films that everyone involved has seen repeatedly. But that doesn't mean they're easy viewing no matter how many times we've seen them. Once you're done, be sure to check out the original Inventory that inspired it: http://avclub.com/articles/not-again-24-great-films-too-painful-to-watch-twic,2048/
- Title
- Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will
- Runtime
- 2:26
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many Americans think otherwise.
- Title
- Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.
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- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Unusual Vampire Variations
- Runtime
- 5:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Vampires have been around a loooooooong time (they're very tough to kill, as you may have heard), so it makes sense that filmmakers got tired of the basic vampire conventions. In this Inventory, we explore unusual vampire variations--those that stray far enough away from the original vampire rules as to be interesting... or silly... or crazy. You can read the original Inventory here (it also includes hillbilly vampires and underwater vampires): http://avclub.com/articles/i-vant-to-suck-your-broccoli-23-unusual-vampire-va,2508/
- Title
- In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?
- Runtime
- 3:05
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.
- Title
- Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The Health and Human Services says that the country's Shawnas are "tan enough."
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Misguided Eco-Friendly Entertainments
- Runtime
- 5:29
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Protecting the Earth: It's a great idea that sometimes leads to some awful entertainment, be it in the form of campy superhero movies or very special episodes of Saturday-morning sitcoms. For examples, look no further than the video above, then read the original Inventory piece that inspired it: http://avclub.com/articles/greenzos-revenge-17-amusingly-misguided-ecofriendl,2224/
- Title
- The Onion Review: Congress Cuts Its Step-Son's Funding
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Aspen police frantically search for a missing ski, the show Ghost Hunters somehow always finds ghosts, and voyeurs watch a womens' march through the bushes. It's the week of April 11th, 2011.
- Title
- How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him
- Runtime
- 2:40
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Morally Dubious Holiday Entertainments
- Runtime
- 5:21
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
You've heard that Jesus is the reason for the season, right? It's easy to forget Him when confronted with what we like to call "Morally dubious holiday entertainments." These are the seasonal greetings that dilute or ignore messages of hope and peace normally associated with the holidays. In other words, if your favorite holiday movie is Home Alone, you're kind of a sicko. Read the full-length Inventory, originally published in 2007, here: http://avclub.com/articles/tonight-thank-god-its-them-instead-of-you-16-moral,2093/
- Title
- The Onion Review: Obama Casts National Musical
- Runtime
- 2:50
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Americans audition for a government production of Guys and Dolls, a jukebox flat-out rejects an Oasis CD, and a juror in Barry Bonds trial is ready for any foul balls. It's the week of April 4th, 2011.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Creepy Babies
- Runtime
- 5:31
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
There's something about creepy babies that makes them so much creepier than creepy adults. Babies are supposed to be innocent and smiley and goo-goo and ga-ga. But the babies in this week's Inventory are anything but. They're chatty fetuses and dead ceiling-crawlers. For a much bigger list of creepy babies, check out the complete textual Inventory here: http://avclub.com/articles/he-has-his-fathers-eyes-21-creepy-babies-in-film-a,40679/
- Title
- Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions
- Runtime
- 0:31
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- After a cyber attack brings the internet to a halt, Americans must physically go outside to tell people how much they love BBQ or what they think of Christina Aguilera.
- Title
- Presenting The Onion iPad App
- Runtime
- 0:56
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Download now for free: http://onion.com/hvjDFG
- Title
- American Dream Declared Dead As Final Believer Gives Up
- Runtime
- 3:11
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The last vestige of the American Dream slipped away as a Pennington, IL resident quietly laid aside his hope of owning a bar & grill.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Horrors Of The Big City
- Runtime
- 5:24
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Thinking about spending some time in the big city? Well, think again. Danger awaits around every corner, from menacing urbanites to confusing big city ways. This weeks Inventory covers three films that reveal the terrible things awaiting those who venture into America's metropolises, from the confounding New York bohemia of After Hours to the terrifying Chicago of Adventures In Babysitting to the Michael Douglas-terrorized L.A. of Falling Down. For the full list of urban terrors, go here: http://avclub.com/articles/the-urban-menace-17-films-about-getting-in-way-ove,40217/
- Title
- In Freak Accident, 34 Katherine Heigl Films Released At Once
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The nation is still reeling from accident at Sony Pictures which unleashed dozens of films starring the irritating actress on an unsuspecting public.
- Title
- Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish
- Runtime
- 2:13
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Undemanded Sequels
- Runtime
- 5:36
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
There are sequels that fans get rightfully excited about--The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part II, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo--and then there are sequels that fans of the original movies probably don't even know exist. In most cases, that's probably a good thing. This week's video Inventory covers some of those crappy, crappy movies that besmirch their forebears' names: We're talking S. Darko, Revenge Of The Nerds III and IV, and The Cell 2. Didn't know there was a Cell 2? Didn't care that much about The Cell in the first place? Exactly. To read the original piece, which features 22 craptacular films, go here: http://avclub.com/articles/the-saga-continues-22-obscure-undemanded-sequels,44647/
- Title
- Panel Of Caged Average Americans Weigh In On Economy
- Runtime
- 2:05
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The most reliable caged Americans in cable news give their trenchant, homespun insight into current events.
- Title
- PSA: Ben Stiller Speaks Out Against Shaken Manchild Syndrome
- Runtime
- 1:15
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- More coverage of Shaken Manchild Syndrome on Onion News Network, Friday at 10/9c on IFC. Actor Ben Stiller urges parents with adult kids still living at home to think twice before shaking their manchildren in frustration.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Uber Patriotic Songs
- Runtime
- 5:38
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Love America? Then you'd better love these America-loving songs from a collection of diverse, super-patriotic artists. And if you don't maybe you don't love America that much after all. Really love America? Then check out many more fiercely pro-America songs in the original Inventory piece: http://avclub.com/articles/baseball-apple-pie-and-kicking-your-fucking-ass-21,2364/
- Title
- Oklahoma Doctors Can Now Legally Pretend To Give Abortions
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Doctors in the state will now be able to act like they've just given a woman an abortion and send her on her way.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Romantic Comedy Characters Who Don't Deserve Love
- Runtime
- 5:33
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
You know the ones: You can't stand them, and yet you (or your significant other) insist on trying to enjoy their life stories. But so many characters in rom-coms not only don't deserve love, they would actually inspire serious annoyance/borderline hatred in real-life situations. So this week, we'll be discussing three of them; if you want to read the piece from whence they came: http://avclub.com/articles/the-ugliest-truth-24-romanticcomedy-characters-who,37949/
