The Onion
Yankees, Phillies Playing Sad Little World Series Of Their Own
- Title
- Yankees, Phillies Playing Sad Little World Series Of Their Own
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny and Doc follow a delicious "Power Lunch" with their take on Nyjer Morgan's brain centipede and Brett Favre's jealous death wish.
- Title
- President's Approval Rating Soars After Punching Wall Street Banker in Face
- Runtime
- 0:41
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- As featured on Tuesday's "Onion News Network" on IFC, President Obama is back on top after cleaning the clock of a smug Wall Street banker.
- Title
- Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC)
- Runtime
- 0:43
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck.
- Title
- Sidney Crosby Tells Telephone Pole He Has Recovered From Concussion
- Runtime
- 2:28
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The spittle and invectives fly as Doc and Kenny recount Sidney Crosby's travails and the WNBA's plan to horrifically maim their players for ratings.
- Title
- Last Bastion Of U.S. Economy Succumbs To Pancreatic Cancer
- Runtime
- 2:09
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- American voters are worried about botching another election, everybody is shocked that a body found in the woods is not Jason, and a new study finds a link between reading text on computer screens and cancer. It's the week of October 3rd, 2011.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Tells You How to Look Good for the End of the World
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Even though the world is ending, Brooke Alvarez says that's no excuse to just let yourself go. When the asteroid hits, meet it with some makeup, a pair of heels, and some dignity.
- Title
- Vengeance-Minded Glacier Just Biding Time Until Next Ice Age
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in the thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011.
- Title
- Tim Wakefield Admits Knuckleball Just Fastball He Throws Very Slowly
- Runtime
- 2:32
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- It's time for the MLB playoffs at the GOOMF. Baseball reporter Jim Ridgeway joins the guys to get yelled at and explain that Tim Wakefield's knuckleball is just a hoax.
- Title
- New Law Legalizes Brandishing Guns At Head Level (Season 1: Ep 9 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In this Daily Briefing, New York residents are outraged after learning that their State Senator accepted a paltry $3,000 bribe.
- Title
- Red Sox Sell Out Of Commemorative "Collapse 2011" Hats, T-Shirts
- Runtime
- 0:56
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Boston fans are reacting to the monumental collapse of the Red Sox in typical fashion: buying commemorative merchandise, flooding the streets and generally acting like awful assholes.
- Title
- Brooke Explains Why She Has No Problem with Drunk Texting
- Runtime
- 1:01
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Brooke discusses the value of drunk texting when trying to intimidate or freak out an old flame, but says that there are definitely instances when it should not be used.
- Title
- New Psychedelic Weight Loss Drug Transforms Food Into Monstrous Hallucinations
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Season 2 Preview - Watch The Onion On TV Tues 10/4 at 10/9c only on IFC. New diet pill, Hallucex, yields tremendous results in curbing appetite by tricking patients into thinking their food has turned into a horrifying, bloodthirsty demon.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Attempts To Connect With The Common Man By Answering Viewer Questions
- Runtime
- 0:53
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- See Brooke when the cameras aren't on her: casual, in lounge clothes, being "real," hopefully gaining higher ratings with her "realness," and answering even the most inarticulate viewers' questions.
- Title
- Tom Brady Questionable For Sunday's Game After Waking Up Ugly
- Runtime
- 2:59
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny and Doc finish today's Get Out Of My Face with a rapid-fire NFL "Gun To Your Head," discussing Michael Vick's dog killing history in Atlanta, Donovan McNabb's faked death, and Peyton Manning's neck transplant.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Explains Why Even Losers on Facebook Deserve Her Attention
- Runtime
- 1:15
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Brooke takes time out of her busy schedule to answer viewer questions in a totally casual -- not because the network coerced her into pretending to be casual -- setting.
- Title
- Presenting The Ecstasy Of Defeat - The First Book From Onion Sports
- Runtime
- 1:38
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ecstasy/ Bench-Clearing Sports Journalism - Available 10/11/11 wherever books are sold.
- Title
- Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September 5th, 2011.
- Title
- Many Doctors Say It's 'High' Time To Legalize Marijuana (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Medical marijuana would certainly be "a kind bud" to those suffering from debilitating cancer.
- Title
- Popular 1920s Dance Originated As Way To Terrorize Jews (Season 1: Ep 6 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 1:10
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In "This Day In History," Tucker Hope investigates the dance once used to terrorize Jewish shop owners.
- Title
- Onion News Network Season 2 Premieres Tues 10/4 at 10/9c - Only On IFC
- Runtime
- 0:31
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Watch the Onion on TV - October 4th at 10/9c - Only On IFC.
- Title
- All Financial Experts Urge Americans To Invest Money In Print Media Immediately
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- All experts agree that the failing U.S. economy is no reason not to invest in print media, Dick Cheney's new memoir reveals he's going to live a long, happy life and we're powerless to stop him., and Charmin introduces a new disposable toilet paper. It's the week of August 29th, 2011.
- Title
- Small Town's UFO Scare Revealed To Be Alien Hoax (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 1:23
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In local news, repeated "UFO" sightings in Pennington, IL have turned out to be nothing more than a silly prank perpetrated by visitors from another world.
- Title
- Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can
- Runtime
- 2:19
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus Christ informs Tim Tebow that he isn't talented enough to start in the NFL. It's the week of August 22nd, 2011.
- Title
- Peyton Manning Says He Will Play In Colts Opener After Performing Neck Surgery On Self
- Runtime
- 2:57
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Get Out Of My Face has the latest on the Colts' All-Pro quarterback, who took matters into his own hands and surgically repaired his own neck injury with a mirror and steak knife.
- Title
- Shelby Cross Takes On Public Indecency By Videotaping Teens Having Sex (Season 1: Ep 7 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 1:46
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Shelby Cross is tired of seeing couples having intercourse through her binoculars.
- Title
- Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress
- Runtime
- 3:19
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The former number one sex-haver in the world continued the longest slump of his coital career, unable to bring home a local dive bar waitress and have sex with her.
- Title
- Law Gives All Mistreated Americans Right To Open Casino (Season 1: Ep 5 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 1:57
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Congress has awarded every victimized subgroup gaming rights as way to "pull themselves back up."
- Title
- FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters
- Runtime
- 2:07
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Nation's students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans would rather be an animatronic bear. It's the week of August 15th, 2011.
- Title
- Supreme Court Revokes Annoying Man's Free Speech Rights (Season 1 Ep: 3 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:18
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The high court determined that Tom Becker's continued right to free speech was a hazard to anyone forced to listen to him.
- Title
- Miners Trapped In Life-Threatening Mining Jobs (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:26
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Friends and family have gathered to pray for the miners trapped in dead-end jobs a thousand feet below the surface.
- Title
- GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
- Runtime
- 1:40
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.
- Title
- Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:12
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.
- Title
- Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the same as his peak, and Randy Moss quits on football for the final time. It's the week of August 1st, 2011.
- Title
- Escort Reveals Affair With That Actor From That Thing (Season 1: Ep 4 on IFC)
- Runtime
- 2:36
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A high-end prostitute divulges she had sex with that one actor whose name who has brown hair and was in all those movies.
- Title
- Pop Pilgrims: Cleveland - The Shawshank Redemption prison
- Runtime
- 3:44
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Mansfield, Ohio, is a prison town: There's the Mansfield Correctional Institution, Richland Correctional Institution, and Ohio State Reformatory. The last one closed in 1990 (to make way for Mansfield Correctional), but it's by far the most famous thanks to its connection to The Shawshank Redemption. This is where director Frank Darabont shot the 1994 film about a wrongly convicted man serving a life sentence.
- Title
- Amy Winehouse's Grammys Returned By London Pawn Shop Out Of Respect For Deceased
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The USSR wins the space race after 54 years, Shaquille O'Neal does research on talking for his new job at TNT, and the nation's weirdest teen buys Season 1 of Murphy Brown on DVD. It's the week of July 25th, 2011.
- Title
- Pop Pilgrims: Chicago - The Blues Brothers bridge
- Runtime
- 3:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- This week, Pop Pilgrims comes to The A.V. Club's hometown, Chicago. As proud Chicagoans, we came up with too many locations to fit into three segments, but the city would practically revoke our residency if we didn't mention The Blues Brothers.
And rightfully so. More than 30 years after its release, The Blues Brothers still casts a long shadow over Chicago. The city has since become a frequent destination for filmmakers, but that wasn't the case in 1980. A big Hollywood production, especially one based on popular Saturday Night Live characters, generated so much excitement around town that then-mayor Jane Byrne practically gave John Landis and his crew free reign over the Windy City.
- Title
- Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger
- Runtime
- 1:57
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.
- Title
- Ruin The Economy Or Not? Congress Still Unable To Decide
- Runtime
- 1:57
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends out google invites for the fifth consecutive day. It's the week of July 18th, 2011.
- Title
- Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia
- Runtime
- 1:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Congress has pledged to consider looking into new sanctions following North Korea's eradication of all life on the Asian continent.
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- Title
- Pop Pilgrims New York: The Royal Tenenbaums house
- Runtime
- 3:34
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Royal Tenenbaums is set in New York, but not really. The city viewers see in the film certainly looks like New York, but the names have been changed and, in at least one case, an iconic landmark covered up. Consequently, the house that Royal Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman) bought in the winter of his 35th year is located on Archer Avenue in the film, not in Harlem on Convent Avenue at 144th Street, as it is in real life.
- Title
- Should Adults Be Allowed To Bring Kids To R-Rated Movies Where We Masturbate?
- Runtime
- 2:46
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Many parents bring their children to R-rated movies, but are minors mature enough to see our In The Know panelists masturbating to the adult content on the screen?
- Title
- Pope Supports Gay Marriage After Meeting Charming Connecticut Couple
- Runtime
- 1:21
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It's the week of July 11th, 2011.
- Title
- Joe Biden Introduces Trio Of Sexy Bodyguards
- Runtime
- 1:49
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In today's Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that Joe Biden has replaced his Secret Service detail with a trio of sexy female bodyguards.
- Title
- Pop Pilgrims: Baltimore - The Wire locations, part one
- Runtime
- 4:32
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- As The A.V. Club discovered, there's an upside to having much of your perception of Baltimore come from The Wire: The city is a lot nicer than you'd expect. Yes, we understood on a realistic level that Baltimore wasn't just blocks upon blocks of Hamsterdam, but we were a little surprised by how charming Fells Point was when we arrived to meet Wire location scout Eric Bannat. Of course, right in the middle of Fells Point is the run-down building that was the headquarters for Homicide: Life On The Street. (Apparently it's being turned into a hotel.) It has a giant plaque out front to commemorate the show.
- Title
- Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident
- Runtime
- 2:50
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.
- Title
- Rod Stewart Easily Passes For An Elderly Aunt
- Runtime
- 1:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Record industry refuses to claim credit for horrendous #1 song, The National Funk Congress is deadlocked on get up/get down issue, and the Chicago Bears reunite for the first time since the "Super Bowl Shuffle." It's the week of July 4th, 2011.
- Title
- Nation Somehow Failed To Predict Attack By Michael Bay
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The FBI says the warning signs that Bay would eventually carry out a terrorist attack were startlingly obvious in retrospect.
- Title
- Mr. Met takes out his frustration on the fans at Citi Field.
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- After 3 billion seasons on earth, Fall has been canceled, a shiny bobbing object fascinates the fish community, and a bee stuck between the screen and the front door is going fucking nuts. It's the week of June 27th, 2011.
- Title
- Pop Pilgrims: Philadelphia - The Rocky stairs
- Runtime
- 3:50
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- When The A.V. Club showed up at the Philadelphia Museum Of Art on a hot day in mid-June, we hoped to see someone run up museum's famous stairs, Rocky-style. What we didn't realize was that people would be doing it continuously for the few hours we were there—all ages, all races, all doing the exact same thing: running up to the top, throwing their arms in the air, and posing for photos.
