The Onion
Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death
- Title
- Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death
- Runtime
- 2:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.
- Title
- BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Full coverage tonight at 10/9c on IFC TV. Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation's official mode of communication.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Protested Movies
- Runtime
- 5:27
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Not all movies are designed to please everyone, but some go even further, igniting controversy wherever they play. This week, we look at three films protested for very different reasons: the killer Santa movie Silent Night, Deadly Night, Martin Scorsese's The Last Temptation Of Christ, and Basic Instinct. http://avclub.com/articles/admit-none-16-protested-movies,2342/
- Title
- Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart
- Runtime
- 1:36
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in fourth grade.
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- Video Of #CutePiglet Wearing Ballet Shoes Crippling Internet (Do Not Watch - ARCHIVE PURPOSES ONLY)
- Runtime
- 0:15
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- As reported by ONN (http://onion.com/gHgAWg) this video was part of a second wave Al Qaeda attack on America which began Friday February 25th with the posting of this adorable image to the Internet. (http://onion.com/hOTbYi). Stay tuned to Onion News Network on IFC for more on this developing story
- Title
- Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet
- Runtime
- 2:48
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Full coverage tonight at 10/9c only on IFC TV. The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed. Original photo: http://yfrog.com/h7407jj
- Title
- Town's Teen-Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth
- Runtime
- 1:30
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- (From ONN on IFC TV, Fridays 10/9c) In local news from Pennington, IL, a handsome teen who owns his own truck is responsible for over half of new pregnancies. More local news at WONN5.com.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Hilarious Onscreen Drug Freakouts
- Runtime
- 5:49
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
From Reefer Madness onward, movies and TV have historically been pretty terrible at representing real-life drug use. (Harold And Kumar perhaps comes closest to reality.) This week, we explore hilarious onscreen drug freakouts, from the funny and accurate (Freaks And Geeks) to the ridiculously over-the-top (the inimitable Death Drug and Desperate Lives). If you want to read the full Inventory, which includes lots more entries, you'll have to buy our book, conveniently titled Inventory.
- Title
- Breaking News: Woman Crying On Train Platform
- Runtime
- 2:10
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Reporter Don Abrams speculates whether the woman got in a fight with her boyfriend or if maybe she just lost her job.
- Title
- SportsDome. NEW TIME 8/7c Tonight: NASCAR Driver Caught With Prostitute In Car During Daytona 500
- Runtime
- 0:16
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://OnionSportsDome.com has moved to 8pm ET / 7pm CT starting this week. In the next Dome, we report on all the legal fallout from the Daytona 500, where driver Taft Myers was pulled over mid-race Sunday and found with a prostitute in his car.
- Title
- Friday on ONN on IFC: Obama Denies Republican Accusations He Does Not Love His Dog
- Runtime
- 0:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- This Friday night on IFC at 10/9c. More info at http://onionnewsnetwork.com
The Onion News Network First Responders address the Beltway media buzz following Republican charges that Obama hates Bo.
Tune in for the rest of this story.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Stellar One-Scene Wonders
- Runtime
- 5:41
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
How much screen time does your favorite actor need to completely burn himself into your memory? Did you know that Alec Baldwin is barely even in Glengarry Glen Ross? This week, we discuss the one-scene wonders--those actors and actresses who step into a movie, dominate or change it irreversibly, then step out. You can read the original full-length Inventory here: http://www.avclub.com/articles/little-more-than-a-cameo-19-stellar-cinematic-ones,2357/ It's called "Little more than a cameo," which is a reference to what '90s alt-rock song? First correct answer wins a Cadillac. Second, a set of steak knives.*
* Prizes are imaginary.
- Title
- Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment
- Runtime
- 2:03
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.
- Title
- Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger
- Runtime
- 1:58
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.
- Title
- Sneak Peek at The Next ONN on IFC: Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator
- Runtime
- 2:33
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://onionnewsnetwork.com Fridays @ 10/9c on IFC TV Next on Onion News Network on IFC
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Ridiculous Horror Movie Adversaries
- Runtime
- 5:29
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
In this Inventory Video, members of our crack staff discuss some of the silliest, unscariest baddies in movie history. You can read the complete Inventory here -- http://avclub.com/articles/night-of-the-killer-lamp-23-ridiculous-horrormovie,2071/ -- but then you'll be missing the following visuals: yellow foam turning people into skeletons, weird little penis-like creatures, and a killer lamp. Enjoy.
- Title
- Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held
- Runtime
- 2:16
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.
- Title
- Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones
- Runtime
- 1:22
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. Women will now be allowed to fight on the front lines, provided a chaperone is there to make sure they don't hurt themselves.
- Title
- Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
- Runtime
- 2:58
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation.
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- Title
- Sneak Peak at Tonight's ONN on IFC: Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Disgustingly Happy Couple
- Runtime
- 0:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://onionnewsnetwork.com Fridays @ 10/9c on IFC TV
Next on Onion News Network on IFC: Today Now's Jim Haggerty attends the annual Valentine's Day stoning, which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Ambitious Outsiders
- Runtime
- 5:27
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
This Inventory is named after a Morrissey song, but he's not included. Instead, it's about a rash of documentary films showcasing the lives of ingratiating weirdos who were out to do something great. Along with American Movie--considered a classic around these parts--there are lesser-known docs, including the terrific Devil And Daniel Johnston, and of course The King Of Kong. (Ever read our Billy Mitchell interview? It's a little insane: http://avclub.com/articles/the-king-of-kong-continued-donkey-kong-champ-billy,2159/ )
And here's a link to this Inventory in its entirety: http://avclub.com/articles/i-might-have-a-whole-new-life-next-time-you-see-me,2335/
- Title
- Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'
- Runtime
- 3:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- (Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.
- Title
- Next On ONN on IFC: Massive Snowstorm Leaves Thousands Without Access To Pornography
- Runtime
- 0:17
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://onionnewsnetwork.com Fridays @ 10/9c on IFC TV
On the next Onion News Network on IFC, we continue our coverage of Snowlocaust, the unending storms pummeling large parts of the United States.
Tune in Fridays to IFC at 10/9c
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Rock-Doc Dicks
- Runtime
- 5:31
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- http://avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
For week two of Inventory: The Video Series, we're happy to present what we call Rock-Doc Dicks--those documentaries about rock stars that show their true (and ugly) colors. If you've ever wondered why people hate Bono, look no further than Rattle And Hum. If you cherish Lil Wayne's lyrics but don't understand him as a person, there's The Carter. And if you think rockers with comparatively few fans can't have massive egos, there's Dig! Enjoy.
- Title
- 'FactZone' Viewer Has Sad, Pathetic Life
- Runtime
- 1:18
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- (Onion News Network, Fridays @ 10/9c on IFC) In this U-Say segment, Brooke exposes the sad truth about a history teacher who emailed to report an error.
- Title
- This Day In History: The Invention Of The Handjob
- Runtime
- 1:11
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Handjob inventor Fred Gilgoff describes the inspiration for the two-person masturbation technique.
- Title
- Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.
- Title
- FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"
- Runtime
- 0:36
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.
- Title
- Morbid Curiosity Leading Many Voters To Support Palin
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A recent poll shows 62% of Americans say they don't want to vote for Palin, but kinda have to just to see what would happen.
- Title
- Inside The Onion News Network
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The anchors of the Onion News Network's top-rated program "FactZone" answer viewers' questions about what it's like behind the scenes of the most powerful cable news channel in recorded human history. The Onion News Network premieres on IFC on January 21st at 10/9pm c.
- Title
- A.V. Club Inventory: Blockbuster Knockoffs
- Runtime
- 5:50
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The A.V. Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name.
Because pictures are worth tens of thousands of words (when you factor in inflation), The A.V. Club has decided to dip our toes further into the video world with Inventory: The Video Series. We'll be presenting a new five-minute segment--hosted by your favorite A.V. Club staffers--each Thursday for the next 20 weeks, and you can see them all at http://www.avclub.com/ or here on YouTube. Don't worry, the text version of Inventory isn't going anywhere. You can still read it every Monday at http://www.avclub.com//features/inventory/.
- Title
- Onion SportsDome - Premiering Tuesday January 11 at 10:30/9:30c
- Runtime
- 1:01
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- There's sports and there is nothing else -- Onion SportsDome premieres Tuesday, January 11 at 10:30pm / 9:30c.
- Title
- Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
- Runtime
- 2:51
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.
- Title
- Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots
- Runtime
- 1:11
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
If you know an idiot, please make sure they're safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare.
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- Title
- Kim Jong Il Ends Nuclear Program For Lead In Next 'Batman'
- Runtime
- 1:32
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham's Dark Knight Detective. The Onion News Network is coming to IFC on January 21 at 10pm.
- Title
- Onion News Network - Coming To IFC January 2011
- Runtime
- 1:00
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The Onion News Network, the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, is coming to IFC on Friday January 21, 2011 at 10pm.
- Title
- Onion SportsDome: Get Sportsed
- Runtime
- 0:46
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Go in depth with the hosts of Onion SportsDome, premiering Tuesday, January 11. www.onionsportsnetwork.com
- Title
- New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
- Runtime
- 2:46
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral
- Runtime
- 2:13
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Selection of the location for Paul McCartney's funeral is generating anticipation for the mourning period following his death.
- Title
- Chinese Gossip Blogger Fights For Freedom To Post Celebrity Up-Skirt Photos
- Runtime
- 2:11
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Dissident Zhang Zhuohua fought against the repressive Chinese government which sought to squelch his right to post unflattering pictures of celebrities with penises drawn in their mouths.
- Title
- Obama Outlines Moral, Philosophical Justifications For Turkey Pardon
- Runtime
- 2:03
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
President Obama announces plans to deliver a two-hour speech explaining his reasons for granting clemency to Cranberry, the Thanksgiving turkey.
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
- Runtime
- 1:49
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- President Obama's proposed high-speed train system will be replaced with a fleet of buses that will rocket along highways at speeds up to 165 mph.
- Title
- Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb
- Runtime
- 2:12
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Oprah's biggest fans will be entombed alongside her in The Oprahmidion where they will bask in her wisdom for eternity.
- Title
- Joad Cressbeckler Fears Genetic Modification Causes 'Wrath-Minded Taters'
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler warns Americans that genetically modifying crops may have dangerous consequences.
- Title
- Social Security Scam Robs Elderly By Convincing Them They Are Dead
- Runtime
- 2:32
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department of the Dead."
- Title
- AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans
- Runtime
- 2:46
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.
- Title
- Bird Hunted To Near Extinction Due To Infuriating 'Fuck You' Call
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- A bird expert visits Today Now! to show off the endangered Montana Merkel and discuss his efforts to save this incredibly annoying species.
- Title
- Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister
- Runtime
- 1:54
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Ohio police have been inundated with false sightings of college-age girls with dyed blond hair, Ugg boots, purple nail polish, and oversized sunglasses.
- Title
- Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?
- Runtime
- 2:00
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- In The Know panelists discuss Obama's failure to repair Americans' Bush-era reputation overseas as drunken belligerent assholes vomiting on ancient treasures.
- Title
- Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk
- Runtime
- 2:01
- Date posted
- 16 years ago
- Description
- Over 75% of an average American's exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.
