The Onion
Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting
- Title
- Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting
- Runtime
- 3:31
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.
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- Title
- 2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman
- Runtime
- 1:06
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)
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- Title
- 2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition
- Runtime
- 1:02
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)
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- Title
- Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman
- Runtime
- 2:05
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)
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- Title
- 2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official
- Runtime
- 1:20
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. (Aired 12/9/11)
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- Title
- Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In this StarFix Quick Hit, Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.
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- Title
- 2011 Top Story: Navy SEALS Discover Bin Laden Gained 300 Pounds
- Runtime
- 1:27
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In one of the biggest stories of 2011, U.S. Special Forces shot and killed bin Laden and then removed his obese body from his compound with a forklift. (Aired 12/9/11)
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- Title
- Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op
- Runtime
- 2:53
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.
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- Title
- Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.
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- Title
- Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him
- Runtime
- 2:41
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.
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- Title
- Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'
- Runtime
- 2:00
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.
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- Title
- Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.
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- Title
- Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America's Top Pick For Holiday Entertainment
- Runtime
- 2:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The must-see hit of the holidays is a group of medieval mummers, who are going door-to-door singing old-fashioned ballads and acting out jovial plays in return for mugs of ale and gold pieces.
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- Title
- Ashton Kutcher Caught Canoodling With Ancient Disc Made Of Pure Evil
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Now that Demi is out of the picture, Ashton is up to his old bachelor ways, out on the town with his arms wrapped around a glowing disc hewn in the fires of hell.
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- Title
- Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL - Sports Year in Review
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing.
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- Title
- Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall
- Runtime
- 2:36
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.
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- Title
- Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- "Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins' stupid spending."
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- Title
- Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died
- Runtime
- 2:44
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics
- Runtime
- 1:08
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest. As a top-notch news personality, it's her job to know virtually everything about everything.
- Title
- Year In Review: Revolution In Egypt Either Courageous Or Stupid Depending On Outcome
- Runtime
- 1:26
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Back in February, the people of Egypt revolted against their dictator, Hosni Mubarak, in brave act of insurrection that could've turned into a really awful bloodbath had things gone a different way.
- Title
- Year In Review: Renewable Energy Source Encoded In Charlie Sheen's Rants
- Runtime
- 0:55
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Earlier this year, scientists found that Charlie Sheen's incomprehensible rants were actually a secret code for a formula to produce renewable energy.
- Title
- Chinese Paint Tops List Of This Year's Must-Have Holiday Gifts
- Runtime
- 1:21
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season's most sought-after item: a bucket of vivid, low-odor chinese paint.
- Title
- Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. It's the week of November 28th, 2011.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison
- Runtime
- 0:54
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The United States puts more people into prison than any other country and Brooke Alvarez gives us two possible explanations for why this is the case.
- Title
- NBA Players, Owners Fail To Reach Agreement Where They Would Beat Each Other With Chains
- Runtime
- 2:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny and Doc nearly beat each other with chains over the end of the NBA lockout, Tim Tebow's terribleness, and the Astros' plan to sign nine professional baseball players.
- Title
- Parents Keep Deceased Son's Memory Alive Through His Awful Tumblr
- Runtime
- 1:42
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- http://shitbirdsshitbirdseverywhere.tumblr.com
When their son, Geoff, passed away, Mary and Steve Patterson decided to honor his memory by keeping up Geoff's Tumblr where he made fun of shitbirds, fatties, and asswipes.
- Title
- Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations
- Runtime
- 2:54
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The U.S. offers franchising opportunities to increase revenue, Jessica Milly puts out, and Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories. It's the week of November 14th, 2011.
- Title
- Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny and Doc nearly beat each other with chains over the end of the NBA lockout, Tim Tebow's terribleness, and the Astros' plan to sign nine professional baseball players.
- Title
- High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos
- Runtime
- 0:49
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because many of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.
- Title
- Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For 'Breaking Dawn' Premiere
- Runtime
- 1:27
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Twilight's biggest fans, older Hispanic men, have taken off of work and have been lined up for days to catch the latest installment of the vampire saga.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Must Decide Between "Watch The Throne" And "Carter IV"
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- It's a decision plaguing every American: Jay Z's "Watch the Throne" or Lil Wayne's "Carter IV", but Brooke Alvarez clearly has a favorite.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Teaches Us How To Deal With Uninformed People
- Runtime
- 1:11
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- According to Brooke Alvarez, the best way to deal with an uninformed person is to shame them and devastate their self-esteem.
- Title
- New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating
- Runtime
- 1:39
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The remarkable, cutting edge TYSO robot uses radio wave technology to notify the user that someone's about to bust in on him while he's jacking it.
- Title
- Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.
- Title
- Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public.
- Title
- Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It
- Runtime
- 2:48
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Bank executives place bets on which Occupy Wall Street protester will be arrested next, a churchgoer blanks on why she's lighting a votive candle, and a new report finds that it's all some kind of sick joke. It's the week of November 7th, 2011.
- Title
- Classmates Respond To Jessica Milly's Decision To Put Out
- Runtime
- 1:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Related Article: http://onion.com/tr6zPa
Wednesday morning at Thomas E. Dewey High School news broke that 17-year-old junior Jessica Milly will begin putting out. As word quickly spread, Milly's classmates spoke out about the developing story.
- Title
- Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez Prepare For Jets-Pats Matchup By Having Sex With Each Other
- Runtime
- 2:36
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Kenny yells incoherently at guest host Reggie Greengrass about Eli's temporary status as an elite quarterback and the saddest referee in the NFL.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Can Speak News In Any Language
- Runtime
- 1:03
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- One fan writes to Brooke in German, but that doesn't stump America's greatest newswoman, who's made it her business to know every language on the planet.
- Title
- Brooke Alvarez Names The One Person Who Could Compel Her To Go On "Dancing With The Stars"
- Runtime
- 1:14
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Award-winning news anchor, Brooke Alvarez explains why she doesn't have time to go on a show as frivolous as "Dancing with the Stars", but that she would make an exception if a certain someone were also a contestant.
- Title
- Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal
- Runtime
- 1:48
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead foodie friends.
- Title
- U.S. Turns To The Makers Of Foul-Tasting But Successful Zico Coconut Water To Turn Economy Around
- Runtime
- 1:04
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Title
- Glenn Beck Appears In Revealing Documentary About Brooke Alvarez's Childhood As Russian Cosmonaut
- Runtime
- 1:53
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Brooke Alvarez's icy demeanor is finally explained in a new documentary on public television detailing her dark childhood as a Russian girl cosmonaut locked in a space capsule with a vicious chimpanzee named Mr. Dmitry.
- Title
- Kevin Kolb Lands New Job Where He Isn't Booed And Tackled As Much
- Runtime
- 2:33
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- This week, the Dolphins can't shake their obsession with a waitress, Kevin Kolb tries out a more forgiving profession, and the popular sport of bead-whipping turns out to be a project of the NFL and NHL.
- Title
- Facebook Increases User Control With New 'Cancel Account' Feature
- Runtime
- 2:27
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- President Obama releases a new tell-all book about America, a cute eight-year-old is beginning to realize how much better she is than ugly girls, and a new Facebook feature allows users to cancel their account. It's the week of October 31st, 2011.
- Title
- Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local man's utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011.
- Title
- Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback To Lead 4th Quarter Comeback
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.
- Title
- NBA Players, Owners Agree That Both Sides Are Selfish
- Runtime
- 2:29
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Get Out Of My Face guys dip into the mailbag to answer each other's questions about Tony La Russa's World Series sex orgies and good news on the NBA lockout front.
- Title
- Comatose John Clarkson Drops Out of GOP Race Due To Sex Scandal
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- John Clarkson, the unconscious GOP frontrunner, was forced to drop out of the race after he was caught receiving oral sex from a very unattractive nurse.
- Title
- GOP Race Heats Up As Candidate In Coma More Appealing Than Rest of Field
- Runtime
- 1:09
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Full story tonight at 10/9c on IFC TV. Follow Clarkson's rise on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JohnClarkson2012.
