The Onion
Mountain Dew Can Provides Pleasant Challenge For Appraiser - Lake Dredge Appraisal
- Title
- Mountain Dew Can Provides Pleasant Challenge For Appraiser - Lake Dredge Appraisal
- Runtime
- 2:30
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Kim sleuths down the origin of a Mountain Dew can, with unexpected results.
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- Title
- My iPhone Is Covered In White Mold! Help! - Troublehacking with Drew Cleary
- Runtime
- 2:01
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- There's no app for fixing your iPhone when it gets covered in white mold, but luckily there's a Trouble Hacker! I'm showing you guys how to get rid of this all-too-common problem.
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- Title
- Ron Paul Makes Campaign Stop In Whimsical Jalopy
- Runtime
- 3:11
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
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- Title
- New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically
- Runtime
- 1:44
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- On Today Now!, a consumer expert shows Jim a new Applebee's commercial that urges young people to come and mock their restaurants. (Aired 11/11/11)
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- Title
- Sexy Truth or Sexy Dare - Sex House - Ep. 2
- Runtime
- 7:14
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Jay plays sexy doctor to Tara after she gets a second-degree burn from a blast of scalding hot air. Frank and Erin enjoy a post-sex thank you basket filled with meats and cheeses. Derek mopes through Truth or Dare game.
ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers
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Like the gift basket but missed the sex?
Check out Erin and Frank getting busy in Episode 1: http://bit.ly/LuHJ4d
- Title
- Zebras: Nature's Ultimate Prey - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 1
- Runtime
- 2:51
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Docile and begging for death, the zebra traverses the African plain, counting down the seconds until a predator tears the flesh from its bone.
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- Title
- Lake Dredge Appraisal - Chicken Wire/Muddy Pot
- Runtime
- 3:37
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- David "Kim" Parker is appraising dredged items in Helcomb County, and Captain Hiram has a mass of chicken wire that may not be worth as much as originally thought.
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- Title
- Troublehacker - Whenever I Leave The House, Broken Glass Cuts My Feet
- Runtime
- 1:58
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Hey there bipeds! Big pieces of glass lacerating your feet? No need to track blood through your step-father's house when there's a simple fix! And all of the materials can be found at a mid-sized municipal waste yard! Find out with me, Drew Cleary, on today's Troublehacking!
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- Title
- New Prius Helps Environment By Killing Its Owner
- Runtime
- 1:25
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Toyota's new Prius Solution reduces its driver's carbon footprint to zero by impaling them through the lungs with spikes as soon as they get in the car.
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- Title
- Sex House - Meet The Nymphos - Ep. 1
- Runtime
- 8:12
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Six sexy singles move into America's hottest mansion meticulously designed for only one thing: sex. Tara, Jay and the gang kick off the best three months of their lives with a killer party featuring an ultra-sexy surprise ending.
ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS
Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty
Head Writer: Sam West
Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky
Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers
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- Title
- Romney's Numbers Skyrocket After Prostitute Reveals She Paid Him To Sleep With Her
- Runtime
- 1:13
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around. (Aired 11/1/11)
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- Title
- Roger Federer Nearly Blows Chance At Wimbledon By Introducing Crabgrass To The Courts
- Runtime
- 3:04
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- It's an Independence Day Firework To Your Head, as Doc and Kenny celebrate Bosh proving himself a non-ostrich, Federer tracking crabgrass into Wimbledon, and the Diamondbacks fleeing from a scary bug.
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- Title
- Internet Scam Alert: Most "Kickstarter" Projects Just Useless Crap
- Runtime
- 2:32
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Internet criminals are using a website called "Kickstarter" to bilk friends and families out of money for terrible, ill-conceived, and unnecessary "personal projects."
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- Title
- Are Wetland Preserves Simply Dead-Body Dumping Grounds?
- Runtime
- 2:20
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Shelby Cross continues her crusade against bogs and marshes, which are good for nothing other than hiding bodies. (Aired 11/1/11)
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- Title
- Nike Releases New Olympic Track Suits Designed To Limit Penis Wind Resistance
- Runtime
- 3:02
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- In this week's GOOMF, Doc and Kenny pick their own poison, downing lethal doses of Dale Jr.'s new losing streak, the Heat's Chalmers-based offense, and Nike's tracksuit that streamlines the penis.
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- Title
- Tea Party Quiet... Too Quiet
- Runtime
- 2:40
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The Tea Party has all but disappeared, but an expert urges us not to think they won't be back.
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- Title
- Breaking Story So New Reporter Literally Has No Information
- Runtime
- 1:56
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- On "Raw Story," O'Brady Shaw Investigates what may have been a shooting at a local mall, or may have been something else altogether. (Aired 11/1/11)
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- Title
- This Week In History: Statue Of Liberty Arrives From France, Moves Into Cramped Tenement Building
- Runtime
- 3:04
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The Onion looks at the discovery of a group of North Dakotan coal miners that would become the cast of 'Happy Days,' the Supreme Court ruling that allowed black students to experience racism first hand in desegregated schools, and the historic hot air balloon ride that allowed one 13-year-old to become the first American to urinate on a crowd from 100 feet in the air.
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- Title
- Romney Wears Anti-Bacterial Yellow Gloves While Greeting Rust Belt Americans
- Runtime
- 2:56
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Americans enjoy three months of carefree vegging out before the responsibilities of fall programming resume, Herman Cain endorses who gives a fuck, and a pilot loses contact with '97.5 The River.' It's the week of June 18th, 2012.
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- Title
- Miami Marlins Deploy Airborne Drones to Seek Young Fans, Shoot T-Shirts At Them
- Runtime
- 2:37
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- The Face is Off and the hate is real as Kenny and Doc discuss Bosh's new addiction to belly rubs, the Marlin's child-targeting, t-shirt firing drones, and NBA ref Joey Crawford's recent ejection slump.
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- Title
- Reporter Goes Undercover In Chinatown By Wearing Silk Robe
- Runtime
- 2:17
- Date posted
- 14 years ago
- Description
- Investigative reporter Gavin Fisher investigates the world of Chinese counterfeit goods by donning a long robe and a black wig. (Aired 11/1/11)
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- Title
- Group Of Hunky Cardinals Appeals To Pope To Relax Celibacy Requirement
- Runtime
- 2:45
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Mitt Romney spends most of a factory visit yelling at employees to work harder, the deep, orange sun beautifully sets on Topher Grace's career, and a man on the verge of self-realization instead turns to God. It's the week of June 11th, 2012.
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- Title
- Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate
- Runtime
- 2:03
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Shoppers at a Hannaford supermarket could only speculate that a woman angrily asking for a price check on a four-ounce snack cup was once a free-spirited and easy-going youth.
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- Title
- 'The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust' Release Popularizes Glam Rock, Glam Education, Glam Politics
- Runtime
- 3:50
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Onion looks back at the release of David Bowie's 'The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust,' which popularized Glam Rock, Glam Politics, and Glam Sports, Charles Darwin killing and eating the last dodo, and D-Day, when brave U.S. boys in uniform blah blah blah greatest generation blah blah blah, all that World War II crap.
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- Title
- Failed Musician Comes Crawling Back To Hometown
- Runtime
- 1:55
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs. (Aired 10/25/11)
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- Title
- Insecure Miami Heat Can't Figure Out Who Garnett Called a "Sloppy-Chested Shit"
- Runtime
- 2:54
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In Doc and Kenny's return to GOOMF, Kevin Garnett has thrown the Heat into identity crisis, a trailblazing jockey rides directly on his horse's head, and the Braves are in the market for a 2010 Jason Heyward.
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- Title
- Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti
- Runtime
- 2:52
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different girl than he came with. It's the week of June 4th, 2012.
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- Title
- Brooklyn Bridge Opens, Completely Revolutionizes Suicide In Fetid Hellhole Of New York City
- Runtime
- 3:08
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Onion reflects on the Johnny Carson's final Tonight Show with special guest Saddam Hussein, the opening of the Brooklyn Bridge which revolutionized suicide in the hellhole of New York City, and the day Christopher Reeve came in last place in a horseback riding event.
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- Title
- Behind The Pen: Nanny State, Ninny State
- Runtime
- 2:37
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- What's wrong with a young person going to the Big Brothers to find a role model? Plenty, says Cartoonist Stan Kelly in this week's "Behind The Pen" video.
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- Title
- High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42,000 Jobs
- Runtime
- 1:18
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one. (Aired 10/25/11)
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- Title
- Behind The Pen: Collective Wisdom
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- If you like watching DVDs or streaming movies online, this week's must-see Behind the Pen video will reveal whether you are a sophisticated adult or a mixed-up teen.
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- Title
- Man Approaching Attractive Woman Fails To Notice Chelsea Handler Book Until It's Too Late
- Runtime
- 2:35
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- An area man is winded after a particularly lengthy Wendy's order, the NRA sets 1,000 killed in a school shooting as the amount it would take them to reconsider much of anything, and a Ford assembly line worker is thinking about asking out a cute welding robot from work. It's the week of May 28th, 2012.
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- Title
- Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
- Runtime
- 2:41
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy with his broad autistic following, and a friend who said goodbye 10 minutes ago is still on Gchat. It's the week of May 21st, 2012.
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- Title
- This Week In History: First McDonald's Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Onion reflects on Bette Davis's film debut as a piece of chocolate cake, Lindbergh's historic flight across the Atlantic Ocean after decades of disastrous test runs with dog pilots, and the opening of the first McDonald's with a young Grimace just starting out as a cashier.
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- Title
- Search Crews Continue To Look For Obviously Dead Hikers
- Runtime
- 2:05
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Autistic reporter Michael Falk questions the logic of continuing to look for a group of lost hikers who clearly are no longer alive. (Aired 10/25/11)
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- Title
- Behind The Pen: The Chinese Threat
- Runtime
- 3:19
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Thorsberg-Bronze-Quill-Award-winning cartoonist Stan Kelly takes you behind the scenes of his latest editorial cartoon, which explores a hidden threat from overseas.
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- Title
- Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion
- Runtime
- 1:59
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly. (Aired 10/25/11)
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- Title
- This Week In History: V.E. Day Commemorated With Historic Radio Address From FDR's Rotting Corpse
- Runtime
- 3:00
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman.
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- Title
- After Weeks Of Media Pressure, Shia LaBeouf Still Refusing To Have Public Meltdown
- Runtime
- 2:48
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In this Star Fix Quick Hit, Angelique Clark looks at the media's ongoing efforts to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge into a Charlie Sheen-style breakdown. Also, Congress discusses opening Alaska's reality star reserves and Johnny Depp registers the domain name www.johnnydeppactor.biz.
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- Title
- Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil
- Runtime
- 2:35
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012.
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- Title
- In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls
- Runtime
- 2:31
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing. (Aired 10/25/11)
- Title
- Behind The Pen: How Marriage Works
- Runtime
- 2:54
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Onion editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly is one of the world's top opinion-makers. He gets up close and personal in this new video series.
See the cartoon, Holy Matri-Money, here: http://onion.com/J2eGs2
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- Title
- This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof
- Runtime
- 2:57
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Tower's challenge to God.
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- Title
- Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee
- Runtime
- 2:37
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. It's the week of May 7th, 2012.
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- Title
- Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot
- Runtime
- 2:28
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- This week the Romney campaign introduced "Paco", a taco-loving cartoon parrot, in hopes of appealing to Latino voters.
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- Title
- Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk
- Runtime
- 3:06
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Psychic Kenneth Quinn connects Today Now! studio guests with former landlords and friends of work friends who have died for stilted conversations from beyond.
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- Title
- It Easy To Tell What Area Man Will Look Like As Skeleton
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- An anxiety-ridden man is rightly ashamed of every single thing that he does, half a sleeve of Oreos is lost in a house fire, and a local man has had more than enough beach. It's the week of April 30th, 2012.
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- Title
- Biden Unveils New Health Initiative To Make U.S. Women Hotter
- Runtime
- 1:10
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Inspired by the First Lady's health plan for children, Vice President Joe Biden has pledged to make every American woman beach-ready. (Aired 10/18/11)
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- Title
- Kanye West In Feud With Nation Of Syria
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye West's feud with Syria and a company's decision not to bother recalling a defective hotplate. (Aired 10/18/11)
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- Title
- Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone
- Runtime
- 3:01
- Date posted
- 15 years ago
- Description
- Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad."
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