The Onion
New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car
- Title
- New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car
- Runtime
- 1:15
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Uber Seize is a new high-end service that lets users hijack vehicles whenever and however they want.
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- Title
- Today Now Extra: Did Jim's Mom Fail Him?
- Runtime
- 0:39
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Watch the full length episode here: http://youtu.be/hKmDGWv9gRk
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- Title
- Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
- Runtime
- 2:52
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Did Jim's mom fail him? Watch an extended clip here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SExUqnyXJKY
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- Title
- How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
- Runtime
- 2:54
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers.
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- Title
- Today Now! Is Back
- Runtime
- 0:39
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Today Now! hosts Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill have a big week ahead – including D.I.Y. projects so easy even an idiot like you can do them!
Check back later this week for more of America's favorite morning show.
Watch more Today Now! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAC49295758EAEDDC
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Home Alone'
- Runtime
- 4:00
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Home Alone' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies'
- Runtime
- 3:43
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies ' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Bearded Robert Griffin III Spotted Living In Houseboat On Chesapeake Bay
- Runtime
- 0:58
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN’s fantasy football guru, Perry Bigwell, says dump RG3 from your roster now that he’s moved away from football to a more simple life on a houseboat.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Your Friend’s Death Could Leave 6-8 Quality Starters For Pick Up
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, reminds you that it is well within your right to ask your league commissioner to release a dead friend’s dormant roster to the waiver wire.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Marc Trestman Adopts Baby To Save Relationship With Bears
- Runtime
- 1:00
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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The embattled Bears head coach adopted a one-year-old girl from Vietnam to save his relationship with Bears’ players and front office.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Andrew Luck Questionable After Finding Out About Death
- Runtime
- 0:55
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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OSN's fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says fantasy owners should sit Andrew Luck in tonight's Monday Night Football game since the quarterback is struggling with the concept of death.
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'
- Runtime
- 3:56
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Interstellar' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Please Let Me Out: I've Told You Everything I Know About Fantasy Football
- Runtime
- 1:37
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN's fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, pleads to whoever kidnapped him and locked him inside the small Owner's Box studio to let him out, because he has nothing more to say about fantasy football.
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre'
- Runtime
- 3:34
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter
- Runtime
- 3:02
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
He’s crushed skulls in the Under Realm. He’s ripped out the spines of his enemies. But ruthless up-and-comer Inferno says coming out was the most difficult thing he’s ever done.
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- Title
- Wes Welker Preparing For Week 8 By Running Head First Into Parked Cars
- Runtime
- 0:53
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Fantasy owners should start Wes Welker in Week 8's Thursday Night Football matchup against the Chargers after he spent all week slamming his skull into parked cars.
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- Title
- Slamming Boss Against Wall, Shouting ‘I Need More Cash!’ Still Leading Tactic For Securing Raise
- Runtime
- 1:31
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Calling it the most effective method for reaching one’s full earning potential, a report issued Thursday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute found that violently slamming one’s supervisor against a wall and shouting, “Cash!
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- Title
- Start Joique Bell, Which Means Now He'll Probably Get 33 Yards And A Goddamn Fumble
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says Lions’ running back Joique Bell is Week 7’s Must Start, which means now Bell is doomed to a dismal performance Sunday.
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- Title
- Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats
- Runtime
- 1:14
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats.
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- Title
- ONN Exclusive: One-On-One Interview With God
- Runtime
- 1:12
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The infallible Creator of the universe sits down for an intimate eye-opening interview.
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- Title
- Pop Star Janna Hayspice Confronts Rumors That She Is Really Just A Writhing, Sentient Mass Of Voles
- Runtime
- 1:56
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Drugs. Partying. Unreliable behavior. Can troubled teen star Janna Hayspice save her career? Or is she actually just thousands of small rodents pretending to be a person? Tonight, we learn the truth.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Ben Roethlisberger Struggling With New City Ordinance That Allows Food Trucks On Field
- Runtime
- 1:17
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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Ben Roethlisberger is struggling to maintain focus after a new city ordinance started allowing food trucks on the field.
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- Title
- Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave
- Runtime
- 1:40
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
As part of a nationwide effort to accommodate women in the workplace, many U.S. companies are now offering female employees permanent, unpaid maternity leave, according to a Pew Research Center survey released Thursday.
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- Title
- SPONSORED: New Video Game ‘Horrifying’ For Anyone Who’s Never Experienced Terror Of Real Life
- Runtime
- 2:17
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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Reviewers agree: The Evil Within reaches an unprecedented level of terror, assuming that the player has never had to deal with the blood-curdling realities of everyday life. (Brought to you by Bethesda)
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- Title
- Old Guy At Hostel Down To Party
- Runtime
- 2:49
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Obama is currently being chased around in the background of a Secret Service hearing, U.S. officials assure Hong Kong that their protest is just one of many issues the White House is staying silent on, and an old guy at a hostel is down to party.
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- Title
- Jaguars Hoping To Impress Florida State Football Scouts Attending Game Sunday
- Runtime
- 1:05
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews 'Gone Girl'
- Runtime
- 3:38
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Gone Girl' in this week's Film Standard.
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- Title
- Climate Self-Conscious About All The Changes That Are Happening To It Right Now
- Runtime
- 2:40
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
7.1 billion people demonstrate in favor of global warming, Obama now sleeps with a Louisville Slugger under his bed, and a song is deemed good enough for a man to put his girlfriend on his shoulders.
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- Title
- Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'
- Runtime
- 2:12
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
David Connors sits down for an exclusive interview with Congressman Bart Handford, who is finally opening up about the nude photo scandal that has threatened his career.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Didn’t I Predict Jeremy Maclin Would Have A Huge Week? Didn’t I Fucking Say That?
- Runtime
- 2:04
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN's fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, the soothsayer, the prince of light of fantasy football, fucking told you Philadelphia wide receiver Jeremy Maclin would have a big game Sunday.
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- Title
- 16,000 Stained During Messiest Day In U.S. History
- Runtime
- 2:26
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Experts confirm the British Empire will be reduced to 8 square acres around Buckingham Palace by 2050, a reclusive deity hasn’t written a new book in 2,000 years, and a local rescue dog is adopted for a couple weeks.
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- Title
- Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired
- Runtime
- 2:02
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Tips For Winning Your Fantasy League In What Is Now Clearly The NFL’s Final Season
- Runtime
- 1:15
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Perry Bigwell says you should tune out the NFL’s inevitable collapse and focus on winning your fantasy league.
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- Title
- Roger Goodell Insists He Still Hasn't Seen Ray Rice Video
- Runtime
- 2:36
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The NFL announces a new zero-tolerance policy on videotaped domestic violence, a puzzled nation can remember the name Ferguson, but is not sure from where, and a man wearing an M&M jacket is apparently made in God's image.
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- Title
- CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company
- Runtime
- 2:08
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A tragic scene in Virginia as a gunman opened fire at the offices of SlashForward Marketing. Managers described the timing of the shooting as “incredibly inopportune” as the company is already struggling to meet its Q3 sales goals.
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- Title
- Adjusting Several Sliders On Recording Studio’s Mixing Console Pays Off Big Time
- Runtime
- 2:42
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder
- Runtime
- 1:18
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Citing the central role the process plays in cognitive development, a study released Thursday by the American Psychological Association found that boys do not reach emotional maturity until avenging the murder of their father.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Don’t Drop All Domestic Abusers From Your Roster Just Because Of Ray Rice Suspension
- Runtime
- 1:07
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should keep the domestic abusers on their team since the Ray Rice suspension is a one-time incident.
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- Title
- Owner's Box: Screws, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year
- Runtime
- 1:19
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Onion Sports Network’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.
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- Title
- Earth Down To Last Cubic Meter Of Resources
- Runtime
- 2:38
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
An unpopular police officer thinks about committing a racially motivated offense for a little support, a middle-aged man is having the best snacks of his life, and a housefly drops everything to go stand on a watermelon slice.
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- Title
- Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
- Runtime
- 1:29
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The sandwich chain says it is 'deeply sorry' if customers mistakenly believed that eating an entire foot of food could somehow be considered healthy.
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- Title
- GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men
- Runtime
- 2:07
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
The Republican Party may have an insurmountable lead among young voters who dress and act like they’re already 50 years old.
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- Title
- GM Recalls 600,000 Vehicles For Faulty Car-Detonators
- Runtime
- 2:39
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
- Runtime
- 1:16
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Hoping to reinforce their fire safety message, the U.S. Forest Service debuted a brand new ad campaign featuring the horrific, preventable death of their beloved mascot Smokey.
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- Title
- Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time
- Runtime
- 1:24
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
In a move designed to help the metropolitan area attract more tourists, Salt Lake City officials unveiled a new advertising campaign Thursday reminding potential visitors that they can leave at any time.
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- Title
- Study: Nation's Third-Graders Now Eating At A Ninth-Grade Level
- Runtime
- 2:02
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting. It's the week of August 15, 2014.
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- Title
- Tough Season: Cheeseburger In A Coconut (Brought to you by Lenovo)
- Runtime
- 2:14
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- NFAA Defending Champion Brad Meredith Blevins (@BradMBlevins) worked hard this offseason in preparation for the upcoming fantasy football season by making his players participate in a music video for the single off his new karaoke album, "Cheeseburger In A Coconut." Watch him battle for fantasy football glory on this year's Tough Season.
Fantasy Coach of the Year Contest: http://bit.ly/YudibH
Follow Brad on Twitter: twitter.com/BradMBlevins
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Watch Season 1 of Tough Season:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4NL9i-Fu15gnCD35zEqBi84CWU13Hs8S
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- Title
- Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
- Runtime
- 2:59
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Technology expert Chris Borden explains that it would be fine to have sexual intercourse with a robot dog because it isn’t a real dog.
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- Title
- New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
- Runtime
- 2:25
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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The new app pinpoints the unique existential angst at the core of each runner’s workout routine. Then it motivates with personalized reminders like, “Your career is stalling out” and “Your family hates you.”
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- Title
- The Onion Looks Back At 'Dirty Dancing'
- Runtime
- 4:02
- Date posted
- 12 years ago
- Description
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The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Dirty Dancing' in this week's Film Standard.
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
