The Onion

A Fun Recipe With Jackfruit You Should Learn To Avoid Looking Like A Knuckle-Dragging Dirt Person

Title: A Fun Recipe With Jackfruit You Should Learn To Avoid Looking Like A Knuckle-Dragging Dirt Person
Runtime: 1:22
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Food Editor Gillian Hess says that since so many people want to be seen buying jackfruit to avoid looking like they're moving to the hills to fuck rocks, you should be able to find the tree fruit at Whole Foods or a specialty market.

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'You're Right' Host Changes Abortion Stance After Realizing He Wouldn’t Have Show If He Was Aborted

Title: 'You're Right' Host Changes Abortion Stance After Realizing He Wouldn’t Have Show If He Was Aborted
Runtime: 2:12
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: No one wants to live in a world where Sebastian Moore's scathing takedowns and eviscerations do not exist.

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Can You Hapless Fuckwits At Least Handle An Omelette?

Title: Can You Hapless Fuckwits At Least Handle An Omelette?
Runtime: 1:20
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: You can put some shit — literally anything — in the omelette if you want. Think you shit-for-brains can handle that?

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How To Sharpen Your Knife With Your Sword

Title: How To Sharpen Your Knife With Your Sword
Runtime: 0:44
Date posted: 9 years ago
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How To Make Slow-Cooked Russet Potatoes That Fall Right Off The Bone

Title: How To Make Slow-Cooked Russet Potatoes That Fall Right Off The Bone
Runtime: 1:51
Date posted: 9 years ago
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'You're Right' Host Asks For Donations To Attend Trump Fundraiser To Tell President To Go To Hell

Title: 'You're Right' Host Asks For Donations To Attend Trump Fundraiser To Tell President To Go To Hell
Runtime: 1:42
Date posted: 9 years ago
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'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Bravely Steps Outside His Liberal Bubble By Joining The KKK

Title: 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Bravely Steps Outside His Liberal Bubble By Joining The KKK
Runtime: 2:07
Date posted: 9 years ago
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'You're Right' Fan Who Died From Ecstatic Convulsions Caused By Takedown Of Kim Jong-Un Remembered

Title: 'You're Right' Fan Who Died From Ecstatic Convulsions Caused By Takedown Of Kim Jong-Un Remembered
Runtime: 1:02
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner

Title: Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner
Runtime: 2:07
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Best part about this simple recipe: The potatoes, pasta, broccoli, dried chiles, beef, parsnips, beets, and all 12 sauces can cook at the same time.

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Late Night Host Eviscerates Journalism Industry For Existing Even Though His Show Already Does

Title: Late Night Host Eviscerates Journalism Industry For Existing Even Though His Show Already Does
Runtime: 3:17
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: In last night's episode of 'You're Right,' host Sebastian Moore eviscerated the journalism industry for existing even though his show already does.

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Will The Masked Hero On The Celtics Ever Reveal His Secret Identity?

Title: Will The Masked Hero On The Celtics Ever Reveal His Secret Identity?
Runtime: 1:39
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Should NASCAR Ban Uber Drivers?

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Hank's Having A Great Time In The Studio Alone On Thanksgiving

Title: Hank's Having A Great Time In The Studio Alone On Thanksgiving
Runtime: 2:22
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Title: The Onion Reviews ‘Coco’
Runtime: 3:49
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Coco: A film that utterly fails to use its setting in the afterlife to solve Natalie Wood's mysterious murder in 1981.

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'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Investigates School Vouchers In The Whole Rundown

Title: 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Investigates School Vouchers In The Whole Rundown
Runtime: 0:33
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Can The Browns Still Rely On Josh Gordon For Quality Weed?

Title: Can The Browns Still Rely On Josh Gordon For Quality Weed?
Runtime: 1:31
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Lebron James Will Never Surpass Jordan Until He Leaves The NBA To Ride The Bench In Minor League Baseball

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Sebastian Moore Campaigns To Get His Face On The $20 Bill

Title: Sebastian Moore Campaigns To Get His Face On The $20 Bill
Runtime: 3:00
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: On last night's season premiere of 'You're Right,' host Sebastian Moore announced a campaign to get his face on the $20 bill.

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How To Talk To A Family Member About Politics And That Their Jewelry Business Is A Pyramid Scheme

Title: How To Talk To A Family Member About Politics And That Their Jewelry Business Is A Pyramid Scheme
Runtime: 1:17
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Is It Time For The Osweiler Family To Admit The Brock Osweiler Experiment Has Failed?

Title: Is It Time For The Osweiler Family To Admit The Brock Osweiler Experiment Has Failed?
Runtime: 1:34
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: How Much Success Can Dwyane Wade Have Coming Off The Bench To Greet LeBron?

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How Many Children Does Philip Rivers Have Left In Him?

Title: How Many Children Does Philip Rivers Have Left In Him?
Runtime: 1:23
Date posted: 9 years ago
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How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides?

Title: How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides?
Runtime: 1:29
Date posted: 9 years ago
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How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?

Title: How Do Self-Driving Cars Avoid Driving Straight To The Beach?
Runtime: 1:29
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Should Belichick Miss The Birth Of His Demon Spawn To Coach Game?

Title: Should Belichick Miss The Birth Of His Demon Spawn To Coach Game?
Runtime: 1:43
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Could Alabama's Diving Team Beat The Browns Diving Team?

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It's Time To Have A National Dialogue About Race Cars

Title: It's Time To Have A National Dialogue About Race Cars
Runtime: 1:32
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Will The Cavaliers And Celtics Meet Again During The Regular Season?

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How Fake News Led President Trump To Believe 'Semi-Charmed Life' Was By Matchbox 20

Title: How Fake News Led President Trump To Believe 'Semi-Charmed Life' Was By Matchbox 20
Runtime: 1:38
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Should The Patriots Back Up Tom Brady On A Hard Drive?

Title: Should The Patriots Back Up Tom Brady On A Hard Drive?
Runtime: 1:21
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: How Many Games Will The Chicago Bulls Attend This Season?

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Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’

Title: Homeless Man Describes Horrors Of Sleeping During Community Theater Production Of ‘The Tempest’
Runtime: 1:25
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Will Louisville Be Able To Recruit Elite Prostitutes Without Pitino?

Title: Will Louisville Be Able To Recruit Elite Prostitutes Without Pitino?
Runtime: 1:39
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Hank On The Phone With Some Kicker

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The 2020 Election Could Only Go These 500 Ways

Title: The 2020 Election Could Only Go These 500 Ways
Runtime: 1:18
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?

Title: Is It Ethical For Prenatal Testing To Tell You If Your Baby Will Be Too Annoying To Love?
Runtime: 1:12
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Should The Cowboys Be Worried About Ezekiel Elliott Hanging Around Someone Like Jerry Jones?

Title: Should The Cowboys Be Worried About Ezekiel Elliott Hanging Around Someone Like Jerry Jones?
Runtime: 1:42
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Also on Morning Sweat: Did The Government Fake Tony Hawk Landing A 900?

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Today On Morning Sweat: Should Tim Tebow Quit Christianity?

Title: Today On Morning Sweat: Should Tim Tebow Quit Christianity?
Runtime: 1:39
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Asian-American Actresses Describe Struggle Of Constantly Being Typecast As Sherlock Holmes

Title: Asian-American Actresses Describe Struggle Of Constantly Being Typecast As Sherlock Holmes
Runtime: 1:57
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Did Roger Goodell Deserve The 4-Game Suspension He Gave Himself For His Nightclub Brawl?

Title: Did Roger Goodell Deserve The 4-Game Suspension He Gave Himself For His Nightclub Brawl?
Runtime: 2:45
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: Today’s hot topics on OSN Radio: Roger Goodell suspends himself, the Miami Dolphins, and MLB players texting on the basepaths.

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Climate Change Researcher Describes Challenge Of Pulling Off Worldwide Global Warming Conspiracy

Title: Climate Change Researcher Describes Challenge Of Pulling Off Worldwide Global Warming Conspiracy
Runtime: 1:53
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Title: How To Survive A Nuclear Attack
Runtime: 0:46
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Black Lives Matter Organizer Explains Movement To Older White Americans Using Sailing Metaphors

Title: Black Lives Matter Organizer Explains Movement To Older White Americans Using Sailing Metaphors
Runtime: 1:46
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Silicon Valley CEO Explains How The Future Of Tech Is Him Being Wealthy And Having A Blast

Title: Silicon Valley CEO Explains How The Future Of Tech Is Him Being Wealthy And Having A Blast
Runtime: 1:34
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Immigrant Explains Difficulty Assimilating To Culture That Constantly Reboots Film Franchises

Title: Immigrant Explains Difficulty Assimilating To Culture That Constantly Reboots Film Franchises
Runtime: 1:47
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A Civilian

Title: Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A Civilian
Runtime: 1:18
Date posted: 9 years ago
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How The 'Alt-Right' Recruits New Members

Title: How The 'Alt-Right' Recruits New Members
Runtime: 0:46
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Title: How Cities Remove Confederate Monuments
Runtime: 0:46
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Man Keeps Memory Of Dead Teen Alive By Making Her Center Of Elaborate Political Conspiracy Theory

Title: Man Keeps Memory Of Dead Teen Alive By Making Her Center Of Elaborate Political Conspiracy Theory
Runtime: 1:58
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Title: How Trump Writes His Tweets
Runtime: 0:38
Date posted: 9 years ago
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ACLU Explains How Some Of Funds Raised Will Defend Rights Of Weirdos To Have Sex With Trees

Title: ACLU Explains How Some Of Funds Raised Will Defend Rights Of Weirdos To Have Sex With Trees
Runtime: 1:56
Date posted: 9 years ago
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Title: How The GOP Can Still Repeal Obamacare
Runtime: 0:45
Date posted: 9 years ago
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The Onion Reviews ‘An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power’

Title: The Onion Reviews ‘An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power’
Runtime: 3:15
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'An Inconvenient Sequel' in this week's Film Standard.

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How Every Hit Song Starts By Sampling Hall & Oates 'Rich Girl'

Title: How Every Hit Song Starts By Sampling Hall & Oates 'Rich Girl'
Runtime: 2:24
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: The iconic song has provided the starting point for thousands of pop, rock, hip hop, R&B, and dance hits over the last three decades.

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Woman Testifying Before Congress Sobbing Too Hard To Tell Them Why She's There

Title: Woman Testifying Before Congress Sobbing Too Hard To Tell Them Why She's There
Runtime: 0:51
Date posted: 9 years ago
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How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number Of Murals Of People Holding Hands

Title: How America Can Become Less Divided By Increasing The Number Of Murals Of People Holding Hands
Runtime: 1:22
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: The ugly state of American politics is easy to understand when you consider the fact that so few Americans are exposed to murals of people holding hands, Onion Senior Political Reporter Eliza Hayes explains.

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The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man: Homecoming'

Title: The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man: Homecoming'
Runtime: 3:05
Date posted: 9 years ago
Description: The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' in this week's Film Standard.

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