The Onion
Investigation Reveals Covid-19 Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
- Title
- Investigation Reveals Covid-19 Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
- Runtime
- 14:11
- Date posted
- 6 years ago
- Description
- An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.
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- Title
- Dems Praise Biden As Only Candidate Able To Talk To Americans Like The Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Are
- Runtime
- 13:19
- Date posted
- 6 years ago
- Description
- He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.
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- Title
- Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World
- Runtime
- 14:04
- Date posted
- 6 years ago
- Description
- Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.
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- Title
- Walgreens Introduces Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Ft Away
- Runtime
- 12:42
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.
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- Title
- CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask | The Topical
- Runtime
- 13:03
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.
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- Title
- The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price | The Onion Presents The Topical | Ep 48
- Runtime
- 10:10
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.
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- Title
- Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls | The Topical | Episode 47
- Runtime
- 11:38
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?
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- Title
- Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Door | The Topical | Ep 46
- Runtime
- 9:58
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked?
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- Title
- Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices | The Topical | Episode 45
- Runtime
- 8:59
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.
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- Title
- Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 44
- Runtime
- 9:49
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.
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- Title
- Doctors Encourage Women To Do Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants | The Topical | Ep 43
- Runtime
- 6:13
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.
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- Title
- NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 42
- Runtime
- 5:47
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.
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- Title
- National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40M To Pamper A Charming Moose | The Topical | Ep 41
- Runtime
- 6:27
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?
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- Title
- Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 | The Topical | Ep 40
- Runtime
- 6:57
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?
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- Title
- God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass | The Topical | Ep 39
- Runtime
- 7:37
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.
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- Title
- NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid | The Onion Presents The Topical | Ep 38
- Runtime
- 13:10
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.
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- Title
- Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near | The Topical | Ep 37
- Runtime
- 7:48
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?
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- Title
- Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist | The Onion Presents The Topical | Ep 36
- Runtime
- 7:52
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.
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- Title
- Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough | The Topical | Ep 35
- Runtime
- 5:45
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.
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- Title
- Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Can Spread Through Time | The Topical | Ep 34
- Runtime
- 9:13
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.
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- Title
- An Alarming Crime Scene In New England | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 33
- Runtime
- 7:13
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.
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- Title
- Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 32
- Runtime
- 7:47
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.
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- Title
- Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building | The Topical | Ep 31
- Runtime
- 9:29
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.
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- Title
- Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 30
- Runtime
- 8:29
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.
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- Title
- Dow Rallies After Learning Trader Who Jumped Out Window Had Marital Problems | The Topical | Ep 29
- Runtime
- 8:39
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.
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- Title
- FAA Restricts Jets To Flying No More Than 15ft Above Ground | The Onion Presents The Topical | Ep 28
- Runtime
- 7:52
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?
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- Title
- The Onion Reviews ‘Onward’
- Runtime
- 3:41
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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- Title
- CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 27
- Runtime
- 9:07
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.
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- Title
- Catholic Leaders Transfer Alluring Children To Another Church | The Onion Presents The Topical|Ep 26
- Runtime
- 7:17
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?
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- Title
- White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt | The Onion Presents The Topical | Ep 25
- Runtime
- 8:36
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.
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- Title
- DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leaders With Skincare Routine | The Onion Presents The Topical |Ep 24
- Runtime
- 8:23
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.
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- Title
- Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102M For Military-Grade Hot Dog | The Onion Presents The Topical |Ep 23
- Runtime
- 9:12
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?
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- Title
- CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 22
- Runtime
- 8:42
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”
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- Title
- CDC Warns Against Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 21
- Runtime
- 8:48
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?
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- Title
- Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 20
- Runtime
- 8:29
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.
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- Title
- Federal Government Reinstitutes Spanking As Punishment | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 19
- Runtime
- 7:25
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.
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- Title
- Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Do It In Person | The Topical | Episode 18
- Runtime
- 9:54
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?
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- Title
- God In Critical Condition | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 17
- Runtime
- 6:43
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.
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- Title
- Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 16
- Runtime
- 7:56
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.
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- Title
- Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’ | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 15
- Runtime
- 7:42
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.
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- Title
- Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 14
- Runtime
- 6:37
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.
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- Title
- Love Sounds With Martha Saunders | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 13
- Runtime
- 7:23
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine's Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow
On a special Valentine's Day edition of The Topical, join host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.
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- Title
- Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 12
- Runtime
- 8:11
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 11
- Runtime
- 2:28
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical
Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- Department Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die' | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 10
- Runtime
- 4:04
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical
Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- Oscars Ceremony Ruined | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 9
- Runtime
- 3:46
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Last night's Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars' worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical
Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion
Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- A Shocking Scene of Rebellion | The Onion Presents The Topical | Episode 8
- Runtime
- 2:34
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Listen to The Topical: https://link.chtbl.com/thetopical
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Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- The Onion Presents The Topical
- Runtime
- 0:37
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Journalism isn't dead. It’s using its final agonizing breaths to beg you to listen to The Topical, available January 29. Listen on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your less interesting news podcasts. https://link.chtbl.com/thetopicaltrailer
- Title
- The Onion Reviews ‘Toy Story 4’
- Runtime
- 3:26
- Date posted
- 7 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
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More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
- Title
- Was LeBron Too Hard On His Teammates When He Called Them ‘Shitheads Who Should Quit Basketball’?
- Runtime
- 2:14
- Date posted
- 8 years ago
- Description
- Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA
Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion
Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
